One Day

Well. Soon the guy I love will be graduating. My ex and his girlfriend have gone 6 months together. They want me to join them in a polymorphic relationship but I declined. The reason is this: I am done with superficial relationships and being superficial. I never loved my ex A. I was always in love with S. Even as I gave the most intimate part of myself away to A, I was wishing it was S. I strung him along for a long time and he strung me along too. Then he got with his girlfriend. I am afraid that she is being strung along as well. See I always was protective over A. I see part of himself in me with his selfish idealism and grand beliefs about the world as well as in his own righteousness. I know what it must feel like for him to want to believe that everything is going to be fine from here on out, but it is not. He can't keep playing this game forever. Someday he will realize that but it's not in my power to punish him. Karma will do it itself as Karma has done it to me. I lo

I  know you I remember you Your soul knows mine We were together for a moment in time He grew up In a Catholic family He was a gorgeous boy Attending a private school He shot up before his time  All the younger boys looked up to him He was accepted into a prestigious school Where he met his first love Who smiled at him so friendly-like A beautiful blonde haired, brown eyed girl She cheated on him He vowed to never love another woman again I caught his glare a few times He was like a beautiful prince He rejected me cold Then I was filled with a frenzy To recreate that heaven A land of Kings and Queens I may never be able to join Until a Black Swan came and ate my soul Innocence crushed like a dying rose His parents broke up His mom is such a beautiful smile She found a boyfriend A black man Who gave her love His father remarried A blonde trophy wife After trying marijuana and hard drugs Putting cigarette burns on his

I am alone but not anyone will do When I step off the edge It will be me alone facing the fire She is like a Native American woman With her guns and her loyal Confederate paintings A flat screen television Cabinets black Bed red and black She lives like a vampire Her dog bares sharp teeth and runs around the house The bar is meant for entertainment She is home She is free I am alone Not a person will do I am alone I don't know what to do I am falling under the sheets in my room I don't try to move because the room is pitch black Dogs bark in the distance of the woods If I tried to walk, I would be lost She is humble and kind Cooing over her baby girl sitting in her lap She talks about the country store Pickled eggs, frosted pretzels, powder for smoothies and hot cocoa, sealed tiny marshmallows  Her husband will be back soon I am alone and I don't know why I look in the mirror and I don't know what to do My grandma says, "I would smile if I were as pretty as you.&qu

It's time for the game Donning red and black Hotdogs and hamburgers among the fall leaves Booze and bottles all over the grass Rap music playing from the speakers Students hurrying from their dorm rooms to the stadium from the game Each building stands tall as a temple to learning with it's white columns reaching towards the sky This is home Where all students of learning at any age are able to come back and rejoice in their patriotism for their school It is turning to evening I bet going on this campus to classes is like falling in love but I was never invited I never got my acceptance letter I wanted to go to this school Wanted to lean on the edge of the upper floor of the library Staring into the forests Writing stories of witches, vampires, castles, Kings and Queens  Reading Bronte, Dickens, Austen, Plath, Twain, Dickinson and Tolstoy When I was rejected from this school My passion wavered too Because it wasn't the same anymore in the tropical heat I found comfort in ai

The smoke trickles into the air from the chimney Inside the cabin is the smell of meat roasting and being marinated The smell is the only comforting thing as I wait to eat I dig my hands in my pocket My fingers are freezing I curl my knuckles  The eerie white snow is falling off the mountains that hum Where the Indians once saw spirits of animals  The bear, the eagle, the fox, the buffalo... Each animal was given thanks to for the meal and were respected for their spirits As day fades to night, the sunset makes it's last peak over the horizon before settling inside the valley The darkness sings from far beyond An owl hoots a warning: "Get home. The predators are out." The cold echoes the sounds of space Stars dangle in the sky that is eerily quiet The moon shines from overhead The planet hangs in space While I feel from the inside I am on a great spaceship Heading to a journey unknown By some amazing calculation Generation after generation has succeeded on this planet I f

It is harvest time The lights are beginning to blare inside the windows Trumpets sing their jazzy sounds The drums beat in time Apple cider is being served in cups foe the football game People are excited Hooping and hollering in the football stands Cheering for their local high school team Girls don themselves in big jackets Scarfs covering their necks to add flare to their outfit There is nowhere to go The fields go on endlessly Each piece of straw floating airily in the breeze Swish Back and forth The fields are becoming yellow Get in the car and keep going Run far as you can  Zoom down the road in your fastest miles per hour The family is aging The generations are becoming greater and greater The students are graduating and moving onto careers and jobs Life moves on because Fall initiates the change Promises with Macy's products and commercialism  To light up the winter into spring

My hands are too small My arms are too weak My eyes are too sad My brain is too slow My feet are breaking My fingers are slippery My hearing is muffled My hair is raggedy My heart is cold My chest is tired I melt into the bed Pills in my hand You can try to save me but you will fail See my tears? They are cried for you You want me to stand but stand I can't do You will watch me fall and that will be all Because I was never yours I could never be yours While you hold me and shake me and tell me "I'm here" I'm not here and you can't rescue me I am sorry you tried I wanted you to succeed but as you fill my body You find nothing All of it is Empty... Empty.... Empty... Broken pieces of a beautiful painting you can't put back together

The train roars down the tracks The air is empty and crisp Fall is here The leaves have turned red and yellow The breeze is cool and cutting You arrived in spring While I awaited inside The calls of summer in the beyond horizon You completed me just for a second The skies turned into fairy-lights Summer turned to fall You disappeared and the band played The crowd cheered People moved on I felt more pathetic Dragging myself to class everyday Telling myself with a pathetic smile, "I will never love again" Then winter came and through the chill I lay awaiting my death The cold rain freezes on my jacket My lips feel like a corpse's  I cry for salvation and I cry to God Which brings him How he fills me How he holds me Telling me "You don't have to cut yourself again when you can make love to me," "I love you" and "I will take care of you" I find myself blushing in all the wrong places

The fountain is alone and singular in it's beauty A tiny jewel glistening in the cold Among the breeze flowing through the trees Against the icy water flowing down the stream It is lonely out here There is nowhere to hide in the air and in the light of the sun beaming down on the fountain There is nothing that can be hidden of it's obvious charms The light illuminates it Perfect and lovely Beside colorful flowers It blushes in the sun with humility and love Chimes ring in the distance A reminder of it's fragility

The darkness sings from far beyond The cold echoes the sounds of space Stars dangle in the sky that is eerily quiet The moon shines from overhead The planet hangs in space While I feel from the inside I am on a great spaceship Heading to a journey unknown By some amazing calculation Generation after generation has succeeded on this planet I feel it in the darkness of my room Behind the fades blinds I know I am not alone

The walls are bare and silent The china sits delicately in place and the glass mirror sulks from the walls In a picture nearby is a little girl praying She looks to the golden light coming from the sky and her eyes are filled with hope The innocence of being a child we once had before Now gone as we drown ourselves in alcohol, sink into the couch and fill our bellies with food The sunlight shines through the window and the sound outside is a loud roar Everything moving Nothing stays constant as animals dream themselves into their final slumber Only the faint humming of the lawn mower outside The iridescent light filtering through the blinds A certain ambience Reminding us something once happened here

I am sick of my parents criticizing everything I do. It is never enough with them. In terms of trying to fit in with their expectations, it fails every time because they are both hypercritical and fail to see that I am trying to find my way in the world. Like my major: Public Relations. I chose after going through Political Science, International Relations and Sociology as a degree. It seemed to be the only major intertwined with all these things. However, everything is wrong because Mom and Dad didn't chose it. Dad wants me to be an Education major but I have no desire to be a teacher. Should I force myself to change my mind for a more stable career? Then my mom wants me to be a Journalist. This would be dandy if my dad didn't say, "Well I don't know babe. That is a hard career field to break into." Everyone in my mom's family thinks I should do what I love. Everyone in my dad's family is doubting I should be in college at all if I am not making good grad

Psychology has a lot of flaws and mostly it is shit when you study it for too long. I don't want to go into all the long, extraneous details (so this may sound unfactual but you the reader need to trust me as a credible voice from my own perspectives, research and experience saving you time in going through every piece of boring research from the other side that is a bunch of bullshit) but until you are locked in a mental institution and forced on psychiatric drugs and are told there is no future awaiting you as you feel impending guilt you did something wrong - you won't realize how redundant and fabricatory the stuff is. Sure we can be depressed from time to time but that doesn't mean we have a chemical imbalance. A "chemical imabalance" doesn't even exist. There is no science to prove it. Psychology is only a field meant to help you discover ways of solving your problems. It should never be viewed as "one-size-fits-all" or that a pill can fix all

Since coming off the medication, a lot of things have been changing in my brain and have continued to change. 1. I am beginning to remember events from my past that had been blocked previous to beginning medication. 2. I found out that I was reliving my past romances while on medication through two guys that resembled two loves I had before. 3. Realized that I had become a different person while on the medication: more sexually promiscuous and able to interact with people more easily than before. 4. Now I have become much more shy and introverted while off the medication and my normal cycles of mania, hypomania and depression have returned but they are harder to manage than before. When I am depressed, I literally retreat inside myself and it's much more similar with hypomania. The only time I come out of my shell is if I am manic but that rarely lasts long. 5. I also thought that I would be able to focus on school better without medication but that is not the case. Bot that the me

I had this beautiful dream once. I went outside because there was noise coming from the sky and my mother was a woman I had never met before. There were puffs of smoke in glowing colors of the rainbow swirling in the pitch black sky and from the spectacle there came the most ominous and ancient hum that I had ever heard. I was confused. Were they aliens? Was this God? When I woke from the dream immediately afterwards, I was so sad. I wanted instantly to go back to the dream no matter the discomfort it gave me. I go to bed everynight still wanting to dream about it again and remember what the swirls looked like and how it sounded. I don't believe there was ever a dream more beautiful that anyone has ever had. Just looking up to it it seemed so ancient and so alien yet I felt so strongly connected to it.

Can I do anything right? I feel so useless and stupid. FUCK. I am such a child. Maybe I don’t have a future. Maybe it’s all listless and hopeless. I am so so SO STUPID I feel stupid because I can’t get over him It’s probably all the better that no one reads this.  It’s been a month since he blocked me on Facebook and his cellphone. (actually that happened earlier) I should be over it but I have still been writing sappy poetry and mentioning him in conversation. Which is why I don’t want to hang out with my friends. I feel so pathetic because I am still dwelling on this relationship after it is over. I don’t know how I am going to get over it because the no contact break was so quick and brutal. I don’t think I will ever forgive him but I miss him. This sucks. It really fucking sucks. I don’t want to feel so pathetic and I don’t want to be dwelling on him for the rest of college. I don’t want to be doing so horrible in my classes right now. I don’t want to spend all my tim

I am growing obsessed with this and it could in fact be interfering with my life. Just such an eclectic cast of characters. A political movement not far back in history. Here are some pictures that include      .Fatamwati- first wife of President Sukarno .Dewi Sukarno- Japanese television host, second wife of Sukarno.  SCANDALOUS marriage! President Sukarno had his first wife moved from her home against her will after it was consummated. Many people did not approve of her in Indonesia. .President Sukarno .Sayuti Melik and SK Trimituri- the writers of a revolutionary newspaper. SK Trimituri fascinates me. She is one solo woman who sought after power. Look at her! She's so tiny. Her words however had the impact of saving the Indonesian Revolution. She was the first Minister of Labour of the Republic of Indonesia and served under Amir Sjarifoeddin. She cofounded Gerwis- an Indonesian Woman's Organization. Went back to college when she was 41 to complete her Alma Mater in Economics

I feel a little silly Because all we are is strangers now I don't know if I can handle more of this Without losing my mind I don't understand. You can't make a person like you but you used to like me. Now it's like I hardly know you. This isn't fair for you to shut me out like this. 

Music plays from far away Ignoring the silent ghost  Of all things neon Your eyes far away I am only a stranger now Hearing only anecdotes I want to cry because  You cut me out of your life Which now appears to glisten More brightly as it fades But now the tears have left My eyes are dry My heart is cold Damn To think I knew you once That our hearts beat in time Now I am only a whisper And you are the future

You probably think now that as I write in this blog, I am a walking contradiction. It's true. When anger and depression or rejection puts me into a position, I overanalyze it to the point of being estranged from others for better (in adapting new qualities) or worse (in developing worse ones.) Perhaps it is that I know the pull of time will effect us all and force us into new situations that reflects the mental block I have right now. Feeling frozen in non-action. I have also been sick for 2 weeks so that doesn't help. The truth is: he hurt me. My parents hurt each other. My grandparents hurt each other. If he taught me one thing, it is that humans are selfish. We always want what we can't have and when we finally get what we want, we move on to something else. I did it in leaving my ex for him and he did it in leaving me for life after college and girls that would be more easy. Everything I thought I believed in has been crushed. People say move on. It's not simp

Women can't have hookups. So it's of no use to tell them they are a prude for choosing not to. Maybe back in the Native American days people had sex so freely that there was no guilt associated with having sex. However, this isn't then. This is America. High and competitive America coming out straight of the Evangelical Era. So is this a consequence against religion? Should we instead move into the realm of "Free Love" and a lack of guilt associated with having sex as promoted by Feminists? Yes because the guilt associated with premarital or extramarital sex is so pervasive by men and society that it makes women feel guilty for actions that are mostly coerced by men and it also makes this hookup culture continue in the way of rebellion. The "I am not gonna worry who I have sex with" mentality. Which is also VERY dangerous. The truth is that in many universities across America, students are having TONS of sex. Maybe this has gone on since the 1960'

There's such a stigma in our society that people diagnosed with mental illness should stop dating or stop working. Who wants to hire a mentally ill person? Who wants to date one? Since there is no studies to the many illnesses that come from taking medication both mental and physical, why then should doctors even try at all to help take care of their patients? Their patient time now is limited to 5 minutes. Often they prescribe a pill without actually studying the causes of the illness. Then there is the society that is so focused on competition. Nobody is encouraged to be truthful and full of integrity anymore but rather to compete with each other even if it means doing things that they don't like to do. Then you have men and women complaining about the opposite sex. Older people complaining about younger people. This is the consumer-driven society that we live in. That your parents supported. That we now have begun to support. Surely you can't blame us for everything an

Let me just start by saying I am a big fan of your work. You have saved countless maidens in all the fairytales - from Snow White underground and silent to Cinderella locked away in a tower. There is all these promises given to us when we are little imploring us to wait for it. Someday we will find our prince (or princess.) However, you have let me down. You have kept me disappointed and waiting so long that I don't think I can give you another chance. I have tried everything. I waited for you. I practiced what I was going to say when I met you. I encouraged myself that this time you wouldn't run away. That you would stay and love me for all that I am - warts and all. When that didn't work, I tried to change myself. Then I tried to get your attention. Failing time and time again. I was never enough. Never strong enough. Even if you held me and told me you loved me as I cried, it would never be enough. I was already broken long ago. If you are reading this and you are my

When you left It was like the sun set on everything There was still other songs that were playing But mine couldn't be heard within the noise "It was for the best"

What defines a life? This is the question I asked myself since I was a little girl, watching my sister be swept away in the tsunami that plagued our hometown. This is the question I would ask myself when Adam's plane went down. What I told myself when I left my parents, family and homeland forever. When Shiva destroyed my family - the only thing I had left. So what defines a life? Is it the choices we make? The prayers that we pray? The lovers we breathe life into? The songs we sing? The air we breathe? Sometimes we can sugarcoat it. Make ourselves believe that because of X, Y, and Z there were certain things we did or said. Sins we committed that made our life turn into what it was. Who we are. I disagree with that statement. I went into every situation hoping for the best and with the greatest intention. I never wished to inflict a malice upon myself. It just turned out that what I wished I could do, the things I had hoped to accomplish, they all turned to dust.

I might always be like this Imagining that I can reach through the sheets and find you there Closing my eyes and imagining you touching me Crying tears everyday as the sun sets As people move and life goes on As people laugh and people love life I will still be searching for you Searching for you until the only thing staring back at me will be these blank walls And the cold sound of the air conditioner Maybe then I will stop dreaming But how could I When you choked me so And I was possessed by you? How can anyone forget you? My only friend My confidant The one I always loved to talk to I have to accept that you are never coming back But it is so hard The tears just keep flowing And my arms feel weak I feel helpless But I am not screaming anymore I am not moaning I am just silent

I can't stop crying I see his face in the shadows Everywhere And I feel quite silly Because everyone else is so happy Functioning like normal people Advancing and learning things But the only thing I can think about is him How I might never walk through the campus again and be able to see his face I feel so empty I don't think I will recover from this time

I am forever in unrequited love with INTJs. This is not the first bout of sloppy, cheesy poetry I have wrote about an INTJ. Only he will never EVER speak to me again after my emotional outbursts. I just want someone to love who can always educate, inspire me, be loyal and a steady rock. This is what I love about INTJs though they can play the role of father figure. I wish I didn't push my current heartbreak so far away that he blocked me on all communication platforms but he did. And I will probably punish myself for years trying to figure out how I could have saved the relationship while simultaneously punishing myself for it's failure and being avoided by my friends because who wants to hang around someone so depressing? All this aside, this probably won't be the last INTJ I love. Which makes this all the more difficult.

I came across a post on a blog speaking about the Bipolar Personality. The author said that the bipolar personality is often portrayed as negative but their individual positive traits to cope with their different way of thinking (believe me, it's different!) is rarely described positively. She believes most Bipolars are ISFPS and INFPS, developing creativity to deal with their strong emotions. She might not be wrong. My first friend growing up was an INTJ. She was at an 11th grade reading level in 5th grade. She never believed I could be a writer but I gauntered my own will to read in my free time out of school. I read 300 books. I was very INFP but I couldn't express it. Didn't even know it was in me. I always thought I was an INTJ until I was diagnosed and treated for bipolar. Then the test told me I was an INFP. Some things point me to that reasoning of being an INFP - grandiose ideas and depression as an INTJ for seeing the world as it is. I alternate between both v

I hope If I see you again That you give me one more chance So I can give you a life of love Rather than to someone else If not I hope you watch From far away To always feel you in my mind Asking you for advice Sharing ideas If I don't give you pleasure I hope you a good life Without me But I hope you look back Remembering that I loved you Knowing I will always be I hope you find everything you are looking for Love, A Friend

I am walking back down along the beach. Lights blaze from nearby apartment complexes. Empty and fake buildings. Patios looking up to the sky where I imagine lovers are hiding in secret. A lamp blazing by a bedside. A couple huddled together for warmth. It would feel so pleasurable to experience that sort of intimacy. I walk back in the dark. My hair wild. I enter the house without any fear. Then I leave it once more. It seems as uncontainable as my soul. I could run through the island and no one would know. The sky could pour itself upon me. The sharks could swim to my feet. The sea is dark and restless. Challenging. Threatening to swallow me whole. I challenge it to take me. Then I grab dinner and retreat into a secluded parking lot. Peoples' voices sound from afar. I could never be one of them. I am an alien to this world. So I sit in the dark under the shade of a tree. Licking meat with my fingers. Removed from them. A ghostly shadow in the dark. I feel so sexual and untamed. A

Let's turn back the clock. Let's cross the distance. To the day I walked up the stairs.  Each echoing step. Your room down a long corridor.  Opening it and finding you there. Your hug embracing me. Making me feel warm.  Making me feel safe. Let's cross the street. What would you say if I showed up right now! Maybe in my dreams I would find you In an empty house Searching for you in silent dreams

I will go to sleep tonight The music will play from afar Life will go on The voices will murmur in laughter and secrecy The wind will blow through the trees Centipedes will crawl absentmindedly on the ground in the path of fire ants The shade from the sun will turn to night From night, turning to day The sun will rise and the cold mood will disappear As the seasons change As the fall leaves die and fall So another part of my soul will die And life will go on It will move when I am not watching it It will drag me by the collar and pull me towards the future Though I don't want it The sands slipping everything into place Everything into where it must be Everything moving Constantly moving My head is ringing at the change I can't hold onto any constancy Life will go on I will cry in the dark Feeling hopelessly childish and stupid Life will always go on without me Maybe even for a moment It might just slow down I might find the parade has slowed d

She doesn't know That for a short time I was happy She doesn't know that the light had grown inside my eyes From the days when the lamps would glare in my window blinds Those nights where I would continue cutting and hitting myself as I heard my roommates outside conversing and talking about me She doesn't know No one knows They just pity me Look at me and think, "Poor girl. I wonder what happened to her." They didn't know that for a short time, I was Cinderella You were the Prince I was at the ball They couldn't know Now I have resigned myself to my dark apartment room My other roommates don't know either They talk about graduation and moving on from this place I just imagine you It makes me feel empty Just to know that there was once a time that I meant so much to you Now when we pass by each others, we are merely strangers Strangers that will never meet again Strangers that will never share another embrace Because of me Becau

Perhaps it is best that you decided to cut contact with me for good. For starters, I am seeing you everywhere. I see you in the shirtless soccer boys playing on the field. I see you walking the street from the dormitory you and I used to live together to your car. I am taken aback. It almost stops me in my tracks to see the image of you crossing the street. I rub my eyes and find that it was only just an illusion. You really aren't there. I pass by the bench where we used to sit for Meditation Club. I almost am nostalgic, no matter how creepy the gesture may be. For the ants that were crawling over and swarming my body. The ducks that used to pass between our feet. I remember going the long way to avoid seemingly crossing straight from my dorm to the lake just to make it appear that I have more important and busy things to do than just gleefully walking from my dormitory straight to you. As I approach you, I try to hide my smile. You know all too well how excited I am to see you. I

The sad thing is That I really think You are coming back

I don't know Maybe I deserve the pain Maybe his friends now believing that I am crazy confirms that I did deserve it When he threw his fist at my face When he threatened me They don't know this But god what is it? A sick, twisted secret? As people make fun of me and laugh They think I am so awkward That I don't know That I wasn't with the most popular guy in school That he didn't dislocate my jaw

You wanted to see how far you could beat me down So that maybe when you got me to the end of my rope Maybe you would feel grimly satisfied with yourself But all you will find Is ugliness Ugliness is the inner core of my being This overwhelming rage that consumes my soul Destroying everything in it's path I am so done trying to contain it in This maelstrom Better to let it destroy everything Then to let this pummel my soul any longer Already down to the deepest pits of it's despair

I was just a slave to your body I didn't care It was almost like some sick, twisted secret of my summer That I enjoyed immensely Though I loved you And though I had always loved you It was a sick sort of poison that took over The satisfaction at seeing my own nude body in photograph Your general devaluing of me The grim satisfaction of knowing that I wouldn't be enough for you That it would never be enough Your cruelty Your ability to focus Your lack of love for me And yet I fell more for you than ever before Maybe it wasn't supposed to be like this But the sick satisfaction of your body made it so The feeling of your hands Your ribs laying on top of mine Pushing me down under you Helpless and squished to death Your moaning And your sweaty smell I watched as you took the condom off and threw it on top of me With the windows wide open You told me to look I immediately shut them But I only grimaced And as I was left alone in your room The fan hum

You told me to lay down on the bed. So I did and I watched as you tied me up. My breath quickened. I knew that you were going to make a mess of me. "Are you nervous?" Was I even paying attention? Now I was breathing so albeit heavily that even I was a little embarrassed at myself. There was a distance between us. I could see it as I lay tied up watching you from afar. You were so focused. So intent on something that almost seemed like a task. I didn't know what you were going to do with me. Then you made me feel ashamed of myself. Humiliated. Almost disgusted at myself. Then you slapped me. Hard. Across my jaw. I found my head was spinning as you put your hands on my throat. Then I felt the life being taken from my body. My eyes rolled back of my head as you made a mess of my body. Then you came back. "Are you crying?" Yes. I was crying. In fact, I didn't stop. I kept on crying. I cried for months. I cried you away from me.

I feel disgusting. Not in the way that I am actually disgusting but in the way that no matter how many times I try to clean myself, I find myself getting dirtier and dirtier. Perhaps I am scratching my soul wrong. Is it possible to eat metal? I heard that the only way to not contaminate yourself is not to indulge into the small little luxuries that go along with food on a plate. Often the food is drenched in calories. Not me. I drink the carbonated soda from the soda machine at my school. It's midnight and my brain is running itself dry. What if I start really trying to fix myself? What would I become out of my own intent focus? Can a brain really stop working when it is trying so hard to do something that it is not programmed to do? That is what I ask myself when I am trying to get thoughts of you out of my mind. How far I will have to go to re-program my mind.

I wish I could remember life before I met you But it seems like you were always the notes I wrote The dreams I dreamed Now trying to look back at the way my life was going I knew it was always leading to you There were the signs everywhere The way I could look at the stars and know you were there That somewhere you existed That life would someday bring you to me Now this place is a graveyard of my dreams And you are going away I suppose it was necessary to move on from you Maybe if it is only for a little while But god I love you I know I have fucked it up I know how seriously and utterly I have fucked up everything with us But I can't imagine my life without you You really care about people You give me a purpose for going I just wish I could have given you one Which is why I know have adopted this new lifestyle And man It isn't exactly what I had hoped for This isn't really the person I wanted to be I just want to mean something to someone The way

It hurts to know That you are sick That nothing will ever help you No magical miracle coming my way To save me from this pain

As I sink deeper into my own despair I find that every is gone Not in a depressive, fearful way but In a zen fashion The dissolution of my ego The falling out of my brain Each day I make the walk to school Restling with my demons That once so bright and sunny girl is now scared Of everything Can hardly look up to see a comforting friend Always looking downward and removed I won't ever write a great piece Never have one understand completely how my brain works How it feels to have him threaten to hurt you To be dragged into a hospital by sheer will To bullied and rejected Growing up in a family with so many problems I suppose no one will get me Not in a selfish way but In a way that they never understood the whole story I notice it in the way they phrase the question I answer "It is a long story" Even as I try to go back and recount these events Leading to my removal from my life There is none She told me to go to the counselor I couldn't

They tell women "Be kind and patient. Smart, but not too smart. Confident but not confident enough that you would sleep with every guy you meet. And not so smart that you are bordering on crazy. No one likes a crazy girl." I am so done I think Can't find the words to speak Trying to smile and make things anew But what to smile about With the anger filling my heart? And you ignoring me Your phone on a constant block With the intimacy that we shared The way you wrapped your arms around me Letting me sleep on your chest Calling yourself a "lucky bastard" But then threatening to lash my legs and leave a mark Then the silence Little by little Into nothing I wonder if the Freshmen girls know what they are getting into Or maybe it's just me Feels like I have been stacked away on a shelf An old 'play thing' And I know it isn't love But it still is true The moment they come to my house I block their number I don't open the door I whisper to myself &qu

Behind the veil The sun shines through Planes fly overhead A new day Girls and women walking to church decked up in their new church clothes Laughter and smiles Hangovers Laughing and chatting I sit in my dark room Alone With a faint echo of the computer nearby  Realizing I got myself into this again Realizing that it may never end This feeling of loneliness And what was the world now that I think of it? A figment of my imagination Allowed to only the happy and beautiful

Party music booms from outside My ceiling is so dark that you can see the stars There are no messages on my phone You abandoned me all day While I waited for your text Crickets chirp outside in loneliness In my dreams are a thousand baby puppies Left to die from starvation I try to nurse them back to health but they are weak So I lay them on a bed, wrapping each one in a blanket Their little heads rolling back I try to force milk down their throat but all to quickly They fall back asleep No messages on my phone I am not complaining anymore No calls or texts Everyone has left me