Contradiction
You probably think now that as I write in this blog, I am a walking contradiction. It's true. When anger and depression or rejection puts me into a position, I overanalyze it to the point of being estranged from others for better (in adapting new qualities) or worse (in developing worse ones.) Perhaps it is that I know the pull of time will effect us all and force us into new situations that reflects the mental block I have right now. Feeling frozen in non-action.
I have also been sick for 2 weeks so that doesn't help.
The truth is: he hurt me. My parents hurt each other. My grandparents hurt each other. If he taught me one thing, it is that humans are selfish. We always want what we can't have and when we finally get what we want, we move on to something else. I did it in leaving my ex for him and he did it in leaving me for life after college and girls that would be more easy. Everything I thought I believed in has been crushed. People say move on. It's not simple. Especially when you pictured a life with someone. I don't think I will be able to do it even though I am so young. Then I look at people at my university hooking up and having superficial relationships. They say I will do it eventually. That I will forget him.
But I did. I actually went through this before when I decided to give my virginity to another boy and date around. Then others suggest "don't be a slut" and wait around for the right guy. I suppose that would be the next route - trying to repent for my sins to an invisible God and marrying a nice Christian even though I am not Christian and never will be. Even if I did convert somewhere in my late 20's and tried to raise a family, it would still never be the same connection.
I wonder if this is what karma wants from me? To work through more shit before I can see him again? It is utter bullshit. I want him now. I want to believe he is coming back because there has never been a soul in this universe to who I felt a strong connection to. He's forgot about us. He's moving on and with every minute that goes by, I am beginning to lose hope. It's impossible to love a man that is never there even though he feels like the only exception. I don't want to wake from dreams of him. It's painful. I don't want to be so completely destroyed by my last heartbreak that I lose him and myself but I guess it is already heading that way and there is nothing I can do about it.
Until every ounce of care and innocence in my soul is obliterated.
Some planet huh? You would think my karmic mission would be easier.
I know what they say about soulmates on the internet now. That they are not meant to be together. Sometimes this is true but must life really be so hard as to settle with someone that we could never love as fully? Is this a recipe for success? A fulfilling life? I feel like being forced into choosing a major, I might also be forced into marrying as well. This is not what I want. I want him. My soul calls to him so strongly and I can't have him now because circumstances got in the way but I still believe and it feels like the most natural thing. I don't want to go through the rest of my life not feeling nearly as happy and not being with someone who lights up my world. So much indecision that I think my heart could cry but there is no tears. Only the dark, PTSD and regret.
The truth is: he hurt me. My parents hurt each other. My grandparents hurt each other. If he taught me one thing, it is that humans are selfish. We always want what we can't have and when we finally get what we want, we move on to something else. I did it in leaving my ex for him and he did it in leaving me for life after college and girls that would be more easy. Everything I thought I believed in has been crushed. People say move on. It's not simple. Especially when you pictured a life with someone. I don't think I will be able to do it even though I am so young. Then I look at people at my university hooking up and having superficial relationships. They say I will do it eventually. That I will forget him.
But I did. I actually went through this before when I decided to give my virginity to another boy and date around. Then others suggest "don't be a slut" and wait around for the right guy. I suppose that would be the next route - trying to repent for my sins to an invisible God and marrying a nice Christian even though I am not Christian and never will be. Even if I did convert somewhere in my late 20's and tried to raise a family, it would still never be the same connection.
I wonder if this is what karma wants from me? To work through more shit before I can see him again? It is utter bullshit. I want him now. I want to believe he is coming back because there has never been a soul in this universe to who I felt a strong connection to. He's forgot about us. He's moving on and with every minute that goes by, I am beginning to lose hope. It's impossible to love a man that is never there even though he feels like the only exception. I don't want to wake from dreams of him. It's painful. I don't want to be so completely destroyed by my last heartbreak that I lose him and myself but I guess it is already heading that way and there is nothing I can do about it.
Until every ounce of care and innocence in my soul is obliterated.
Some planet huh? You would think my karmic mission would be easier.
I know what they say about soulmates on the internet now. That they are not meant to be together. Sometimes this is true but must life really be so hard as to settle with someone that we could never love as fully? Is this a recipe for success? A fulfilling life? I feel like being forced into choosing a major, I might also be forced into marrying as well. This is not what I want. I want him. My soul calls to him so strongly and I can't have him now because circumstances got in the way but I still believe and it feels like the most natural thing. I don't want to go through the rest of my life not feeling nearly as happy and not being with someone who lights up my world. So much indecision that I think my heart could cry but there is no tears. Only the dark, PTSD and regret.
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