The Maze

Perhaps it is best that you decided to cut contact with me for good. For starters, I am seeing you everywhere. I see you in the shirtless soccer boys playing on the field. I see you walking the street from the dormitory you and I used to live together to your car. I am taken aback. It almost stops me in my tracks to see the image of you crossing the street. I rub my eyes and find that it was only just an illusion. You really aren't there. I pass by the bench where we used to sit for Meditation Club. I almost am nostalgic, no matter how creepy the gesture may be. For the ants that were crawling over and swarming my body. The ducks that used to pass between our feet. I remember going the long way to avoid seemingly crossing straight from my dorm to the lake just to make it appear that I have more important and busy things to do than just gleefully walking from my dormitory straight to you. As I approach you, I try to hide my smile. You know all too well how excited I am to see you. I don't think it pleases you. Months pass and the clock strikes 8:30 again on that day. I am more than excited to see you again. When my roommate asks me who I am going to see, I tell her about you. She thinks I am all too excited about someone who isn't my boyfriend. As I walk to Meditation Club on that cold night, I am almost feeling just as ridiculous myself. I have a boy who loves me and all I can do is love the boy who doesn't love me back. So I stop myself in my tracks. Sit by the side and look up at the stars. It's cold. The stars are so lovingly that they make me stop. Then the bell chimes. Club has begun. I am still there sitting and staring at the stars. By the time I would arrive to see you and your friends, it would be too late. So I just stare at the stars because they are just as beautiful as you are. Now I walk through the campus. It's rainy and the wind is blowing through. I walk through every turn, every passage where I used to walk as a freshman. You aren't there. You are the haunting apparition I can almost imagine walking around the corner and greeting me with a smile. You are the eyes that stare at me as I walk past in the library from a computer screen. You are the one who makes me out in the dark from behind your glazed over glasses by the fog. You are everywhere. Completely apart of this place. I remember the first time I met you - you were the first friend I met at university. You were the innocent dream I had as a I fell asleep. You were the friend I wanted to talk to by day and share with you the news about anything. Everything. I just wanted to spend time with you. Even if it was just for a second. Even if it only hurt me in the end. Now you are gone. I pushed you away. "Why?" I ask myself. "Just WHY did I push you away!?!?" You are so special to me. You are still as much apart of me. Still taking place in my head, talking to me in conversation. Yet you are gone. You are so horrendously gone from my life and I wonder if you could ever return. Do your eyes watch me from the 3rd floor of the library? If I stepped out of my car at the right moment, would I be able to stop you in your tracks? Would we hug? Would we go on a walk again and have more to converse about than before? I find myself walking in this endless maze in my dreams. The maze were I fell in love. The maze where I made a friend. The maze where everything made sense because YOU were in it. Now you are taken away and the maze has become nightmare. Always dark. Always shady and devoid of light. Devoid of you. The only thing that really matters to me.

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