You Tell Me To Trust Someone Again

You tell me to trust someone again. I tell you that is near next to impossible to try. Oh sure, I have. Don't think I am going around saying "Screw the World" or something. I try to make nice, pleasant conversation with people. I appreciate their thoughts and musings. I watch them from afar, sometimes knowing more about them than I know about myself. I guess it's just different now. I have had a few lovers. Each one will look into my eyes and try to bring out of me that intimacy they so long for. A connection or something to inspire them and make them believe that they are unique and meaningful to the world. We all want to be meaningful. We all want to make sense and be loved and appreciated. Our struggles, our cries. Our independent thoughts. These things are separate between us and the other world. They keep us around in the same circles, circling over and over. Perhaps it is okay to have this sort of veil between us and everything else because everything else is usually too frustrating to deal with. Too dark and dreary. Often depressing or moreover scary for those who think about it. That is it: I think and I feel. Probably on a deeper level than most people. Which is why people seek me out for advice and I am happy to give that but I just wish someone understood me better than I understood others. Then I wouldn't feel as misunderstood as I do. Maybe they would inspire within me some change and meaning towards the world if I only didn't try to break them down as much as I do. That's what I do, I push people away. Then I find that those mentors are long gone and that the only person I destroyed was myself. Which is why I feel so lonely. The more this has happened, sometimes with people who deserve my love and sometimes with people who don't, I have found that I don't operate under the same radar of "Well this person shares my values, so they must understand me and be a good person." I don't see the same outlines of "us" versus "them" anymore. Was I taught to be this way? Did I decide to become this on my own inhibition? I can't decide. I only know that I feel twice as more lonely than I do before and the results I expect to see from this inner pain just aren't as clear as they used to be. I often wonder if I am just a ghost going through this world and trying to find sense with it but will only find that there is no sense and that I have destroyed myself entirely into completion.

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