Fallout

I was just a slave to your body
I didn't care
It was almost like some sick, twisted secret of my summer
That I enjoyed immensely
Though I loved you
And though I had always loved you
It was a sick sort of poison that took over
The satisfaction at seeing my own nude body in photograph
Your general devaluing of me
The grim satisfaction of knowing that I wouldn't be enough for you
That it would never be enough
Your cruelty
Your ability to focus
Your lack of love for me
And yet
I fell more for you than ever before
Maybe it wasn't supposed to be like this
But the sick satisfaction of your body made it so
The feeling of your hands
Your ribs laying on top of mine
Pushing me down under you
Helpless and squished to death
Your moaning
And your sweaty smell
I watched as you took the condom off and threw it on top of me
With the windows wide open
You told me to look
I immediately shut them
But I only grimaced
And as I was left alone in your room
The fan humming silently overhead
The books on the side full of knowledge over the human psyche
I just thought to myself
Again
And again
I never want this to stop
I want him to always be interested in me
Always
Because he is so beautiful
And if he is not interested in me
Then what worth am I to anyone?
So it fell out between us
The last words you said
"I don't want to talk to you anymore. I hate you now."
I know what I did
I played to the extremes of my illness
The insults put on me so long
The confirmation that yes
I was a Bipolar
And yes
I "push people away"
But what has happened in response?
I have grown quiet
So unbelievably quiet
And as I see students walk around campus
I know I can never be like them
When I am in love with my demon
My beautiful, lovely demon
As scholarly as the philosopher Plato
As frightening as Lucifer himself

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