Dying Inside

They tell women

"Be kind and patient. Smart, but not too smart. Confident but not confident enough that you would sleep with every guy you meet. And not so smart that you are bordering on crazy. No one likes a crazy girl."

I am so done
I think
Can't find the words to speak
Trying to smile and make things anew
But what to smile about
With the anger filling my heart?
And you ignoring me
Your phone on a constant block

With the intimacy that we shared
The way you wrapped your arms around me
Letting me sleep on your chest
Calling yourself a "lucky bastard"
But then threatening to lash my legs and leave a mark
Then the silence
Little by little
Into nothing

I wonder if the Freshmen girls know what they are getting into
Or maybe it's just me
Feels like I have been stacked away on a shelf
An old 'play thing'

And I know it isn't love
But it still is true
The moment they come to my house
I block their number
I don't open the door
I whisper to myself
"Start anew, start anew"

And I know I am still waiting
That it is harder to hide
That a cop will someday push my door open with a gun at his side
That it was all your fault and nobody knew
You want me to look crazy
And move on you did

There you are
Tall and brawny
Your boner barely peeking out of your pants
A girl with blonde hair, about 5'4 walks by
Smiling at you
And you watch her go, thinking "This could be my chance"

I watched it all
And your face poked through the glass
Try as I may to touch it
You were already gone
Could no longer see me

The heat grows between my thighs
And the nights grow longer
My breath ragged
Sometimes they feel like an eternity

But the day will start over
The sun will rise on the landscape
And I will drive to school
Seeing you
Seeing me
And you say, "I am sorry I hurt you."

The pain grows longer and deeper
Sympathy comes from all sides
My muscles are weaker
My limbs ache
And my roommate laughs from the other side
No one knows
Im dying inside

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