Dying Inside

They tell women

"Be kind and patient. Smart, but not too smart. Confident but not confident enough that you would sleep with every guy you meet. And not so smart that you are bordering on crazy. No one likes a crazy girl."

I am so done

I think

Can't find the words to speak

Trying to smile and make things anew

But what to smile about

With the anger filling my heart?

And you ignoring me

Your phone on a constant block

With the intimacy that we shared

The way you wrapped your arms around me

Letting me sleep on your chest

Calling yourself a "lucky bastard"

But then threatening to lash my legs and leave a mark

Then the silence

Little by little

Into nothing

I wonder if the Freshmen girls know what they are getting into

Or maybe it's just me

Feels like I have been stacked away on a shelf

An old 'play thing'

And I know it isn't love

But it still is true

The moment they come to my house

I block their number

I don't open the door

I whisper to myself

"Start anew, start anew"

And I know I am still waiting

That it is harder to hide

That a cop will someday push my door open with a gun at his side

That it was all your fault and nobody knew

You want me to look crazy

And move on you did

There you are

Tall and brawny

Your boner barely peeking out of your pants

A girl with blonde hair, about 5'4 walks by

Smiling at you

And you watch her go, thinking "This could be my chance"

I watched it all

And your face poked through the glass

Try as I may to touch it

You were already gone

Could no longer see me

The heat grows between my thighs

And the nights grow longer

My breath ragged

Sometimes they feel like an eternity

But the day will start over

The sun will rise on the landscape

And I will drive to school

Seeing you

Seeing me

And you say, "I am sorry I hurt you."

The pain grows longer and deeper

Sympathy comes from all sides

My muscles are weaker

My limbs ache

And my roommate laughs from the other side

No one knows

Im dying inside