Post Medication

Since coming off the medication, a lot of things have been changing in my brain and have continued to change.

1. I am beginning to remember events from my past that had been blocked previous to beginning medication.
2. I found out that I was reliving my past romances while on medication through two guys that resembled two loves I had before.
3. Realized that I had become a different person while on the medication: more sexually promiscuous and able to interact with people more easily than before.
4. Now I have become much more shy and introverted while off the medication and my normal cycles of mania, hypomania and depression have returned but they are harder to manage than before.

When I am depressed, I literally retreat inside myself and it's much more similar with hypomania. The only time I come out of my shell is if I am manic but that rarely lasts long.

5. I also thought that I would be able to focus on school better without medication but that is not the case. Bot that the medication helped but I realized I have uncontrollable ADHD that has not been treated for many years.

6. While on medication, I was in a constant mix of mania and mostly hypomania. I wanted to do Public Relations and a minor in Mandarin. My school career revolved around an active social life.

I found however that when I went off medication, these interests changed for me. I was not as interested in the superficiality of social interaction. I had become more interested in introverted things again. This has made me struggle this semester - realizing I can't do this career without medication. Not that it is a bad thing to interact with people but I should think before making major life decisions and finding a career I can be good in, especially if I was medicated while trying to do it.

7. Sex is easier than it was before medication but I still don't think I would go out of my way to have it. I also don't think people would see me as a non-virgin if they didn't know me. All my shy and awkward tendencies have come back.

So I don't know what to do. It seems like I can't be without medication forever at times but then I remember how unmanageable it was. Seeing as I can't stand my moods being regulated or rather unregulated, I have to make a choice. Changing that choice would be bad. Or perhaps it would lead to a worse outcome.

Then integrating my past and present selves is a whole other story. 

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