One Day

I had this beautiful dream once. I went outside because there was noise coming from the sky and my mother was a woman I had never met before. There were puffs of smoke in glowing colors of the rainbow swirling in the pitch black sky and from the spectacle there came the most ominous and ancient hum that I had ever heard. I was confused. Were they aliens? Was this God? When I woke from the dream immediately afterwards, I was so sad. I wanted instantly to go back to the dream no matter the discomfort it gave me. I go to bed everynight still wanting to dream about it again and remember what the swirls looked like and how it sounded. I don't believe there was ever a dream more beautiful that anyone has ever had. Just looking up to it it seemed so ancient and so alien yet I felt so strongly connected to it.

Can I do anything right? I feel so useless and stupid. FUCK. I am such a child. Maybe I don’t have a future. Maybe it’s all listless and hopeless. I am so so SO STUPID I feel stupid because I can’t get over him It’s probably all the better that no one reads this.  It’s been a month since he blocked me on Facebook and his cellphone. (actually that happened earlier) I should be over it but I have still been writing sappy poetry and mentioning him in conversation. Which is why I don’t want to hang out with my friends. I feel so pathetic because I am still dwelling on this relationship after it is over. I don’t know how I am going to get over it because the no contact break was so quick and brutal. I don’t think I will ever forgive him but I miss him. This sucks. It really fucking sucks. I don’t want to feel so pathetic and I don’t want to be dwelling on him for the rest of college. I don’t want to be doing so horrible in my classes right now. I don’t want to spend all my...

I am growing obsessed with this and it could in fact be interfering with my life. Just such an eclectic cast of characters. A political movement not far back in history. Here are some pictures that include      .Fatamwati- first wife of President Sukarno .Dewi Sukarno- Japanese television host, second wife of Sukarno.  SCANDALOUS marriage! President Sukarno had his first wife moved from her home against her will after it was consummated. Many people did not approve of her in Indonesia. .President Sukarno .Sayuti Melik and SK Trimituri- the writers of a revolutionary newspaper. SK Trimituri fascinates me. She is one solo woman who sought after power. Look at her! She's so tiny. Her words however had the impact of saving the Indonesian Revolution. She was the first Minister of Labour of the Republic of Indonesia and served under Amir Sjarifoeddin. She cofounded Gerwis- an Indonesian Woman's Organization. Went back to college when she was 41 to complete her Alma Mater i...

I feel a little silly Because all we are is strangers now I don't know if I can handle more of this Without losing my mind I don't understand. You can't make a person like you but you used to like me. Now it's like I hardly know you. This isn't fair for you to shut me out like this. 

Music plays from far away Ignoring the silent ghost  Of all things neon Your eyes far away I am only a stranger now Hearing only anecdotes I want to cry because  You cut me out of your life Which now appears to glisten More brightly as it fades But now the tears have left My eyes are dry My heart is cold Damn To think I knew you once That our hearts beat in time Now I am only a whisper And you are the future

You probably think now that as I write in this blog, I am a walking contradiction. It's true. When anger and depression or rejection puts me into a position, I overanalyze it to the point of being estranged from others for better (in adapting new qualities) or worse (in developing worse ones.) Perhaps it is that I know the pull of time will effect us all and force us into new situations that reflects the mental block I have right now. Feeling frozen in non-action. I have also been sick for 2 weeks so that doesn't help. The truth is: he hurt me. My parents hurt each other. My grandparents hurt each other. If he taught me one thing, it is that humans are selfish. We always want what we can't have and when we finally get what we want, we move on to something else. I did it in leaving my ex for him and he did it in leaving me for life after college and girls that would be more easy. Everything I thought I believed in has been crushed. People say move on. It's not simp...

Women can't have hookups. So it's of no use to tell them they are a prude for choosing not to. Maybe back in the Native American days people had sex so freely that there was no guilt associated with having sex. However, this isn't then. This is America. High and competitive America coming out straight of the Evangelical Era. So is this a consequence against religion? Should we instead move into the realm of "Free Love" and a lack of guilt associated with having sex as promoted by Feminists? Yes because the guilt associated with premarital or extramarital sex is so pervasive by men and society that it makes women feel guilty for actions that are mostly coerced by men and it also makes this hookup culture continue in the way of rebellion. The "I am not gonna worry who I have sex with" mentality. Which is also VERY dangerous. The truth is that in many universities across America, students are having TONS of sex. Maybe this has gone on since the 1960...

There's such a stigma in our society that people diagnosed with mental illness should stop dating or stop working. Who wants to hire a mentally ill person? Who wants to date one? Since there is no studies to the many illnesses that come from taking medication both mental and physical, why then should doctors even try at all to help take care of their patients? Their patient time now is limited to 5 minutes. Often they prescribe a pill without actually studying the causes of the illness. Then there is the society that is so focused on competition. Nobody is encouraged to be truthful and full of integrity anymore but rather to compete with each other even if it means doing things that they don't like to do. Then you have men and women complaining about the opposite sex. Older people complaining about younger people. This is the consumer-driven society that we live in. That your parents supported. That we now have begun to support. Surely you can't blame us for everything an...

Let me just start by saying I am a big fan of your work. You have saved countless maidens in all the fairytales - from Snow White underground and silent to Cinderella locked away in a tower. There is all these promises given to us when we are little imploring us to wait for it. Someday we will find our prince (or princess.) However, you have let me down. You have kept me disappointed and waiting so long that I don't think I can give you another chance. I have tried everything. I waited for you. I practiced what I was going to say when I met you. I encouraged myself that this time you wouldn't run away. That you would stay and love me for all that I am - warts and all. When that didn't work, I tried to change myself. Then I tried to get your attention. Failing time and time again. I was never enough. Never strong enough. Even if you held me and told me you loved me as I cried, it would never be enough. I was already broken long ago. If you are reading this and you are my...

When you left It was like the sun set on everything There was still other songs that were playing But mine couldn't be heard within the noise "It was for the best"

What defines a life? This is the question I asked myself since I was a little girl, watching my sister be swept away in the tsunami that plagued our hometown. This is the question I would ask myself when Adam's plane went down. What I told myself when I left my parents, family and homeland forever. When Shiva destroyed my family - the only thing I had left. So what defines a life? Is it the choices we make? The prayers that we pray? The lovers we breathe life into? The songs we sing? The air we breathe? Sometimes we can sugarcoat it. Make ourselves believe that because of X, Y, and Z there were certain things we did or said. Sins we committed that made our life turn into what it was. Who we are. I disagree with that statement. I went into every situation hoping for the best and with the greatest intention. I never wished to inflict a malice upon myself. It just turned out that what I wished I could do, the things I had hoped to accomplish, they all turned to dust. ...

I might always be like this Imagining that I can reach through the sheets and find you there Closing my eyes and imagining you touching me Crying tears everyday as the sun sets As people move and life goes on As people laugh and people love life I will still be searching for you Searching for you until the only thing staring back at me will be these blank walls And the cold sound of the air conditioner Maybe then I will stop dreaming But how could I When you choked me so And I was possessed by you? How can anyone forget you? My only friend My confidant The one I always loved to talk to I have to accept that you are never coming back But it is so hard The tears just keep flowing And my arms feel weak I feel helpless But I am not screaming anymore I am not moaning I am just silent

I can't stop crying I see his face in the shadows Everywhere And I feel quite silly Because everyone else is so happy Functioning like normal people Advancing and learning things But the only thing I can think about is him How I might never walk through the campus again and be able to see his face I feel so empty I don't think I will recover from this time

I am forever in unrequited love with INTJs. This is not the first bout of sloppy, cheesy poetry I have wrote about an INTJ. Only he will never EVER speak to me again after my emotional outbursts. I just want someone to love who can always educate, inspire me, be loyal and a steady rock. This is what I love about INTJs though they can play the role of father figure. I wish I didn't push my current heartbreak so far away that he blocked me on all communication platforms but he did. And I will probably punish myself for years trying to figure out how I could have saved the relationship while simultaneously punishing myself for it's failure and being avoided by my friends because who wants to hang around someone so depressing? All this aside, this probably won't be the last INTJ I love. Which makes this all the more difficult.

I came across a post on a blog speaking about the Bipolar Personality. The author said that the bipolar personality is often portrayed as negative but their individual positive traits to cope with their different way of thinking (believe me, it's different!) is rarely described positively. She believes most Bipolars are ISFPS and INFPS, developing creativity to deal with their strong emotions. She might not be wrong. My first friend growing up was an INTJ. She was at an 11th grade reading level in 5th grade. She never believed I could be a writer but I gauntered my own will to read in my free time out of school. I read 300 books. I was very INFP but I couldn't express it. Didn't even know it was in me. I always thought I was an INTJ until I was diagnosed and treated for bipolar. Then the test told me I was an INFP. Some things point me to that reasoning of being an INFP - grandiose ideas and depression as an INTJ for seeing the world as it is. I alternate between both v...

I hope If I see you again That you give me one more chance So I can give you a life of love Rather than to someone else If not I hope you watch From far away To always feel you in my mind Asking you for advice Sharing ideas If I don't give you pleasure I hope you a good life Without me But I hope you look back Remembering that I loved you Knowing I will always be I hope you find everything you are looking for Love, A Friend

I am walking back down along the beach. Lights blaze from nearby apartment complexes. Empty and fake buildings. Patios looking up to the sky where I imagine lovers are hiding in secret. A lamp blazing by a bedside. A couple huddled together for warmth. It would feel so pleasurable to experience that sort of intimacy. I walk back in the dark. My hair wild. I enter the house without any fear. Then I leave it once more. It seems as uncontainable as my soul. I could run through the island and no one would know. The sky could pour itself upon me. The sharks could swim to my feet. The sea is dark and restless. Challenging. Threatening to swallow me whole. I challenge it to take me. Then I grab dinner and retreat into a secluded parking lot. Peoples' voices sound from afar. I could never be one of them. I am an alien to this world. So I sit in the dark under the shade of a tree. Licking meat with my fingers. Removed from them. A ghostly shadow in the dark. I feel so sexual and untamed. A ...

Let's turn back the clock. Let's cross the distance. To the day I walked up the stairs.  Each echoing step. Your room down a long corridor.  Opening it and finding you there. Your hug embracing me. Making me feel warm.  Making me feel safe. Let's cross the street. What would you say if I showed up right now! Maybe in my dreams I would find you In an empty house Searching for you in silent dreams

I will go to sleep tonight The music will play from afar Life will go on The voices will murmur in laughter and secrecy The wind will blow through the trees Centipedes will crawl absentmindedly on the ground in the path of fire ants The shade from the sun will turn to night From night, turning to day The sun will rise and the cold mood will disappear As the seasons change As the fall leaves die and fall So another part of my soul will die And life will go on It will move when I am not watching it It will drag me by the collar and pull me towards the future Though I don't want it The sands slipping everything into place Everything into where it must be Everything moving Constantly moving My head is ringing at the change I can't hold onto any constancy Life will go on I will cry in the dark Feeling hopelessly childish and stupid Life will always go on without me Maybe even for a moment It might just slow down I might find the parade has slowed d...

She doesn't know That for a short time I was happy She doesn't know that the light had grown inside my eyes From the days when the lamps would glare in my window blinds Those nights where I would continue cutting and hitting myself as I heard my roommates outside conversing and talking about me She doesn't know No one knows They just pity me Look at me and think, "Poor girl. I wonder what happened to her." They didn't know that for a short time, I was Cinderella You were the Prince I was at the ball They couldn't know Now I have resigned myself to my dark apartment room My other roommates don't know either They talk about graduation and moving on from this place I just imagine you It makes me feel empty Just to know that there was once a time that I meant so much to you Now when we pass by each others, we are merely strangers Strangers that will never meet again Strangers that will never share another embrace Because of me Becau...

Perhaps it is best that you decided to cut contact with me for good. For starters, I am seeing you everywhere. I see you in the shirtless soccer boys playing on the field. I see you walking the street from the dormitory you and I used to live together to your car. I am taken aback. It almost stops me in my tracks to see the image of you crossing the street. I rub my eyes and find that it was only just an illusion. You really aren't there. I pass by the bench where we used to sit for Meditation Club. I almost am nostalgic, no matter how creepy the gesture may be. For the ants that were crawling over and swarming my body. The ducks that used to pass between our feet. I remember going the long way to avoid seemingly crossing straight from my dorm to the lake just to make it appear that I have more important and busy things to do than just gleefully walking from my dormitory straight to you. As I approach you, I try to hide my smile. You know all too well how excited I am to see you. I...

The sad thing is That I really think You are coming back

I don't know Maybe I deserve the pain Maybe his friends now believing that I am crazy confirms that I did deserve it When he threw his fist at my face When he threatened me They don't know this But god what is it? A sick, twisted secret? As people make fun of me and laugh They think I am so awkward That I don't know That I wasn't with the most popular guy in school That he didn't dislocate my jaw

You wanted to see how far you could beat me down So that maybe when you got me to the end of my rope Maybe you would feel grimly satisfied with yourself But all you will find Is ugliness Ugliness is the inner core of my being This overwhelming rage that consumes my soul Destroying everything in it's path I am so done trying to contain it in This maelstrom Better to let it destroy everything Then to let this pummel my soul any longer Already down to the deepest pits of it's despair