One Day

You get beat up enough Dissapointed enough You learn to stop trying

I go to books to learn in them what I can’t find in real life. To understand things that through imagination and pondering, can be applied back to the real world. To understand romance is to understand the idea of it, the deconstruction of the idea and the re-application of those ideas back into the real world. We can all benefit from these books for women about romance because they are realistic of how we can be, and hopeful for what we can become. 1.      Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert There’s a reason this novel has lasting power. It’s not about love. There’s no happily ever after. However, it is an examination of the idea of love. Of the romantic and of the value of art. It’s uniquely French and yet it is universal, for it is about how the idea of another person can fall so short of who they really are and how two people that once were so intimate can become strangers. It’s about Madame Bovary and she does not get a happy ending. She does dream of one t...

I'm not a somatic narcissist nor am I a lesbian. I don't know why you think I'm sending out a mating call to you but your insistance on being an empath with no narcissist tendencies by virtue of your MBTI sign is ridiculous. Hitler was an INFJ. Moreover, a woman who is frustrated with men should not be automatically labeled as gay in order to ease your conscious. I'm sorry, maybe men are more dissapointing than you would hope to admit - seeing as you are a ‘'sensitive” man. All I was looking for was a legitimate answer but your answer is the insulting proof that people like you disguise themselves as empaths in order to prey on others by calling them narcissists and fill their heads with crap as a result.

I am gonna be honest because it seems like the only way I can check myself in the coming days, months and even years. The truth is, I've been in love with someone much longer than I should have been. I should have gotten over him a long time ago but I still relentlessly try whether through communication (which I have decreased over time) and especially through my own alone time to be the kind of girl for him. I don't mean to do it consciously but I also feel like much of what I have done could have been somewhat influenced by him - a thought that scares me because I don't know how much of my life really is my own choice. I should have gotten over him a long time ago. Other people are moving on with their lives and nothing has happened in mine. I really need to grow up. He would be so much happier without me and yet, I can't. I don't know how. I'm still trying. WHY?

Fuck I need to get over him It wasn't supposed to happen like this I wasn't supposed to fall in love with someone so much older than me He wasn't supposed to kiss me Or fuck me He wasn't supposed to walk away I wasn't supposed to stay at home for a year and a half after he left Never believing I would be in another relationship again I wasn't supposed to turn down 40+ guys over the internet Nor stop having sex Believing myself to be a lesbian Nor was he supposed to come back To stop caring Unless it was for sex Or friendship Never love I wasn't supposed to want to meet him I was supposed to come out of my shell To try to move on To get a place to live To get a job I could still get that but There was that stupid RA I fell in love with Who was just nerdy enough To turn my whole world upside down

They all left. They all still blame me for everything years later. I tried telling them that I was depressed but they said I threw my problems on others. A lot of them did that themselves but they were unable to see when it affected other people. They just wanted people to listen to their own problems. I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is a lot of shitty people in the world. It tends to want to break you real fast. A lot of the people who have luck in friendships and love tend to have happy dispositions - which make them easier/enjoyable to be around and able to put up with peoples’ BS. Thus, because many narcissists have these friends, they expect other people to kiss up to them. Narcissism and mental illness, particularly depression, can seem like the flip of a coin. You can’t really help it and yet you still get stares when you burst out crying and have to leave the room. You know people don’t want to be reminded of your grief: they either want to have a happy day or hav...

Spencer said today that I am too hard on myself but whatever, I want to reflect on the idea that I am addicted to his rejected or why I am not a guy's first choice. For starters, I've become addicted to rejection. This means I probably do pick the wrong guys. There's nothing wrong with Spencer but for some reason, he's a bad guy. This makes no logical sense. I guess it's supposed to mean that I've been rejected by enough guys and have consequential BPD/mental health issues that I continue to seek out bad guys and accept rejection. This is probable as I have seemingly already gotten over my rejection, accepting it as normal. The other factor could be that I'm ugly. I've thought about that I may not be physically attractive. My skin might not be white enough, my head too big, my jaw too misaligned, my face too covered in freckles. Whatever it is, it's something. Something could be unattractive about me. This could be the reason that despite how man...

So. I got rejected again. Same guy. You'd think I would learn something already. That you can't make men love you and that hissy fits are not attractive. I can't believe I lost it with him and now he feels farther away. I had meant to ask if it was physical so I could know if it were wrong. Yet it's a little more - it's physical and friendly - but it's not romantic. You can't make someone love you. It's not even a choice really. He apologized. He was really nice about it. I hate that he's nice. That he cares. I hate that so much because it means I can't hate him. It means I'm still in love with him and may always be. I hate that so much. The future? Bah. Future.... what a ridiculous concept. I can't hold onto him or the idea that it's more than it is though my mother, ridiculous in her nature, believes he is emotionally constipated. Or worse, that he's a Steve Lee. God help me if he is, cause that bastard told my mom he loved her ...

So this is going to be a fun post because I'm going to talk to you about two books with mental health issues that I can recommend for young women. I chose these specific fiction titles not because they are conventional but because they show a progressive amount of growth between the beginning and the end. Something Blue + The Diary of Darcy J. Rhone by Emily Giffin Darcy is a character from the movie/book Something Borrowed. She is cheated on by her fiancée with her best friend but also cheats on her fiancée with his best friend. She ends up getting pregnant in an attempt to show Rachel and Dex off, only to realize the father wants nothing to do with it, she no longer has a roommate to live with and her parents are dissapointed in her and Rachel and Dex are planning their wedding. Distraught, she moves to London with her old friend from school named Ethan, and in the experience she realizes the mistakes she made, how to be responsible why she pushes people away and that she lo...

I'm trolling Sandman - the MGTOW guy. I NEED TO STOP! I just feel so insecure that I can't help but look. I keep looking and looking. My therapist told me not to and I CAN'T STOP. " Just for correction Sandman, personality disorders are not chosen by individuals. They are usually projected cognitive disorders to blame other people for feelings of inferiority of themselves brought about by trauma or a lack of support in childhood. One example would be projecting one's own depression by dating someone else with a mental illness and blaming them for problems within themselves. A personality disorder does mean a person can have issues with normal empathizing disorders but they are not incapable of empathy. One example of this is Elliot Rodger. Since you're a MGTOW, you probably know that Elliot Rodger killed many sorority girls in Santa Barbara because he never had a girlfriend and never had sex. If you can see Elliot Rodger's video confessions, you can notic...

Since I saw this is Lena Dunham's book, I figured I should try. Truly I only have one ex but it felt like my heart had been broken four times so.... I guess I better try. James - Some guys will never notice you - Some guys will find you unattractive - Just cause they are beautiful doesn't mean they are nice - You will never impress them - Dreaming about them is pointlesss - I got into the fine arts to prove myself beautiful to him - In the end, I learned about feeling beautiful Graham - Some guys will secretly like you - Unattractive guys have issues - Lazy guys don't want to try hard - Atheists have grudges - You can't become a tomboy to make these guys like you - You can't make yourself mentally ill to make these guys like you - These guys will steal your friends / date your friends - How passion for something is important - though he was never impressed by my writing - How you should let someone go if they don't want you - How sexual attr...

I hate writing. Literature almost feels evil. It started when I began reading Marian Keyes and Emily Giffin novels or maybe even before when I picked up Madame Bovary. Everything was so conventional and moralistic. Moreover, the mere convention that there is something to learn from every situation is perhaps the frustrating point here. See to write is to lie. To write is to try to imagine things are different than they really are. To use big language to impress people. To have some lesson learned at the end. I'm sick of it. There is not something to be learned from everything and why should someone have to worry about what others think of them all the time? Keep in mind I still think I want to be an English teacher, it's just that I don't know if I should aspire to be a writer anymore. Life is idealized as working in a progressive way where at Point A or Point B, you're supposed to have learned X, Y and Z. I'm tired of feeling like I don't measure up to expectat...

So I still feel like I will never find love. I know I've been blamed as selfish and narcissistic for blaming the entire male gender for my problems but I still feel justified in what I feel. Even though Spencer says he likes me, I know he isn't coming back. He himself said I should not count on a future relationship with him because he doesn't have enough time for that. I sound kind of psychopathic but I know I will be alone forever simply because of the Bipolar diagnosis and subsequent belief that I'm Borderline. It doesn't really matter what I believe because I still hate myself regardless and still blame myself for loneliness as well as men for being too quick to judge. That's why I've decided to be alone. I'm never going to feel for a man like I did for Spencer. I will just hurt other men. I'm better off alone.

The real reason I wanted to graduate early was because I wanted to catch up with you and be your equal. I'm always trying to be your equal because in some way, I still imagine you'll come back for me. Even when it is so hopeless and you're so far away. You fill me with a fear that gives me no comfort because the idea of any woman enjoying you reminds me that you're moving farther and farther away from me. I don't think you ever really realized how much you mean to me. How much I love you. Cause I deeply love you even when it is unreciprocated and I would gladly heal your wounds or make you happy just to please you. I still haven't been able to meet anyone in your likeness yet the idea of sending you nude pictures makes me feel cheap and farther away from you. I so badly wish that I have another chance with you. To kiss you under the stars and feel your love. Just to be near you and your spirit. Yet I already knew we were doomed from the start and even when I ima...

In September of 2013, I was having problems with my roommate at university. I thought going to a counseling office would help. Instead, I was proclaimed to have had a psychotic break and   was sent away to a mental hospital. I was put on Risperdal, Zoloft and Depkatote. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I spent the next two years being switched around on many medications. My reaction to medications was not good. My grades plummeted because of the medication I was on. Zoloft gave me manic-depressive cycling that lasted over the course of a few hours. Ambilify made me very hypersexual and I ended up sleeping with 6 guys – something that was out of my character and I had considered I would never do. Yet the blame was put on my Bipolar Disorder. I was also having bad periods. The periods were blamed on the sex I was having, not having any physical conditions checked. I was on Lithium and another mood stabilizer at the time. I was getting so lethargic that I would pass out...

I fucking hate myself. I am fucking annoyed at my feelings and at having feelings. I want to make something out of my sadness. I want to rise above what has happened to me but the truth is I'm terrified and ashamed of everything. So ashamed and so mad that I feel this sad. Spring feels as if it will be upon us. There is a desire growing in me that contradicts every aspect of my waking reality. I know that I should not complain - if I had love for even a short time on this earth, that is better than having no love at all. Yet I also feel envy for the pregnant ladies. I want to create. I want to give way to the madness inside of me. It won't be perfect and it will be very messy yet, I feel like the story inside of me is meant to be birthed out of inspiration, frustration or both. To escape from this reality of confinement into realms more deeper and of understanding. Because the pain is too great. It is still as if he touched me yesterday. I have to escape this hell somehow...

It was an eventful summer of 2015. I had completed many books and a crush of mine started to see me. I was happy but I overwhelmed him with my problems. I had too many questions for him, namely on the subject of MBTI. "I tested on the MBTI test again and this time I got INFJ" I said, while we readied to watch Hannibal. "Can you stop talking about that test?" he groaned. "I'm just curious, that's all. I want to know how valid it really is and where it's holes are" I said in a small voice. "It's a test" he replied. "You aren't supposed to think about it." Yet it's all I could think about and after he decided that he was no longer interested in me, I pursued it further in those dark days when I thought I would never love another again. This wasn't the first time I had taken the Myer-Briggs Personality Test. The first time was at a drama summer camp when I was disappointed not to be with my other frie...