4/24/17

I hate writing. Literature almost feels evil. It started when I began reading Marian Keyes and Emily Giffin novels or maybe even before when I picked up Madame Bovary. Everything was so conventional and moralistic. Moreover, the mere convention that there is something to learn from every situation is perhaps the frustrating point here. See to write is to lie. To write is to try to imagine things are different than they really are. To use big language to impress people. To have some lesson learned at the end. I'm sick of it. There is not something to be learned from everything and why should someone have to worry about what others think of them all the time? Keep in mind I still think I want to be an English teacher, it's just that I don't know if I should aspire to be a writer anymore. Life is idealized as working in a progressive way where at Point A or Point B, you're supposed to have learned X, Y and Z. I'm tired of feeling like I don't measure up to expectations anymore. I'm tired of seeing books on Wattpad with tons of views or my "friends" reviews on Goodreads liked. I'm tired of social media in general. Putting up a front is ridiculous when you don't feel good about yourself nor do I think we have to or should have to be happy to please everyone. To get in a relationship just to prove you can. I've done this my entire life and I really need to stop. I am considering deleting all my social media. To stop worrying about my legacy, the sun exploding or North Korea bombing the world. Even this website I may delete. I understand that I may regret it later or perhaps go to another extreme and burn my journals (though Mom says she wouldn't let me) which I would really regret but I think I need to spend some time focusing on my life and living it. Maybe later I would go back to social media but I definetly don't need it now and it's time for me to step out of society's box and say "Enough." Cause I really am enough. Searching for validation through others is a waste of time.

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