Soulmate? Soulmates... bah.

So. I got rejected again. Same guy. You'd think I would learn something already. That you can't make men love you and that hissy fits are not attractive. I can't believe I lost it with him and now he feels farther away. I had meant to ask if it was physical so I could know if it were wrong. Yet it's a little more - it's physical and friendly - but it's not romantic. You can't make someone love you. It's not even a choice really. He apologized. He was really nice about it. I hate that he's nice. That he cares. I hate that so much because it means I can't hate him. It means I'm still in love with him and may always be. I hate that so much. The future? Bah. Future.... what a ridiculous concept. I can't hold onto him or the idea that it's more than it is though my mother, ridiculous in her nature, believes he is emotionally constipated. Or worse, that he's a Steve Lee. God help me if he is, cause that bastard told my mom he loved her on his death bed while he was dying of Cancer. YOU WAIT THAT FUCKING LONG?  Maybe they were soulmates. Maybe he and I are soulmates, but never meant to be together. Then I would never find anyone like him. EVER. I would grow old looking at the beach and imagining his mouth on my thighs. I hate this cause this feeling could kill me. The idea of being with someone else is ridiculous too because who could take it away or make me stop dreaming of making love to Spencer? Sucks to be me and God isn't answering, he left his phone on silent. Fuck. Is anyone listening? Some alien-angel entity perhaps? CAUSE THIS IS TOO HARD AND I HATE IT. I HATE BEING IN LOVE. I WANT IT TO STOP. I WANT TO STOP FEELING THESE EMOTIONS. Ugh. He's probably not my soulmate. I'm just a little shit who's going to die alone... same as always.