Thinking about Rejection

Spencer said today that I am too hard on myself but whatever, I want to reflect on the idea that I am addicted to his rejected or why I am not a guy's first choice.

For starters, I've become addicted to rejection. This means I probably do pick the wrong guys. There's nothing wrong with Spencer but for some reason, he's a bad guy. This makes no logical sense. I guess it's supposed to mean that I've been rejected by enough guys and have consequential BPD/mental health issues that I continue to seek out bad guys and accept rejection. This is probable as I have seemingly already gotten over my rejection, accepting it as normal.

The other factor could be that I'm ugly. I've thought about that I may not be physically attractive. My skin might not be white enough, my head too big, my jaw too misaligned, my face too covered in freckles. Whatever it is, it's something. Something could be unattractive about me. This could be the reason that despite how many relationship articles I read and try to make sense of rejection, I still get rejected or asked to be used for sex. It could be that there is nothing romantic about me - nothing that inspires the guy to save the girl.

I thought about that before too and in high school, I suffered from the idea that being depressed and sensitive might make me more attractive. This worked with Alexander for a while, until I got irritated with his hypocrisy and he got tired of the real Laura.

Whatever it is, I still feel in general that it is unfixable. It could be my self-esteem... yeah but telling me to get on antidepressants would just lead me to being more miserable. So... so...

I got nothing. The worst part? I've accepted that this is all I will ever get. This is all I will ever get.

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