One Day

I had this beautiful dream once. I went outside because there was noise coming from the sky and my mother was a woman I had never met before. There were puffs of smoke in glowing colors of the rainbow swirling in the pitch black sky and from the spectacle there came the most ominous and ancient hum that I had ever heard. I was confused. Were they aliens? Was this God? When I woke from the dream immediately afterwards, I was so sad. I wanted instantly to go back to the dream no matter the discomfort it gave me. I go to bed everynight still wanting to dream about it again and remember what the swirls looked like and how it sounded. I don't believe there was ever a dream more beautiful that anyone has ever had. Just looking up to it it seemed so ancient and so alien yet I felt so strongly connected to it.

Can I do anything right? I feel so useless and stupid. FUCK. I am such a child. Maybe I don’t have a future. Maybe it’s all listless and hopeless. I am so so SO STUPID I feel stupid because I can’t get over him It’s probably all the better that no one reads this.  It’s been a month since he blocked me on Facebook and his cellphone. (actually that happened earlier) I should be over it but I have still been writing sappy poetry and mentioning him in conversation. Which is why I don’t want to hang out with my friends. I feel so pathetic because I am still dwelling on this relationship after it is over. I don’t know how I am going to get over it because the no contact break was so quick and brutal. I don’t think I will ever forgive him but I miss him. This sucks. It really fucking sucks. I don’t want to feel so pathetic and I don’t want to be dwelling on him for the rest of college. I don’t want to be doing so horrible in my classes right now. I don’t want to spend all my...

I am growing obsessed with this and it could in fact be interfering with my life. Just such an eclectic cast of characters. A political movement not far back in history. Here are some pictures that include      .Fatamwati- first wife of President Sukarno .Dewi Sukarno- Japanese television host, second wife of Sukarno.  SCANDALOUS marriage! President Sukarno had his first wife moved from her home against her will after it was consummated. Many people did not approve of her in Indonesia. .President Sukarno .Sayuti Melik and SK Trimituri- the writers of a revolutionary newspaper. SK Trimituri fascinates me. She is one solo woman who sought after power. Look at her! She's so tiny. Her words however had the impact of saving the Indonesian Revolution. She was the first Minister of Labour of the Republic of Indonesia and served under Amir Sjarifoeddin. She cofounded Gerwis- an Indonesian Woman's Organization. Went back to college when she was 41 to complete her Alma Mater i...

I feel a little silly Because all we are is strangers now I don't know if I can handle more of this Without losing my mind I don't understand. You can't make a person like you but you used to like me. Now it's like I hardly know you. This isn't fair for you to shut me out like this. 

Music plays from far away Ignoring the silent ghost  Of all things neon Your eyes far away I am only a stranger now Hearing only anecdotes I want to cry because  You cut me out of your life Which now appears to glisten More brightly as it fades But now the tears have left My eyes are dry My heart is cold Damn To think I knew you once That our hearts beat in time Now I am only a whisper And you are the future

You probably think now that as I write in this blog, I am a walking contradiction. It's true. When anger and depression or rejection puts me into a position, I overanalyze it to the point of being estranged from others for better (in adapting new qualities) or worse (in developing worse ones.) Perhaps it is that I know the pull of time will effect us all and force us into new situations that reflects the mental block I have right now. Feeling frozen in non-action. I have also been sick for 2 weeks so that doesn't help. The truth is: he hurt me. My parents hurt each other. My grandparents hurt each other. If he taught me one thing, it is that humans are selfish. We always want what we can't have and when we finally get what we want, we move on to something else. I did it in leaving my ex for him and he did it in leaving me for life after college and girls that would be more easy. Everything I thought I believed in has been crushed. People say move on. It's not simp...

Women can't have hookups. So it's of no use to tell them they are a prude for choosing not to. Maybe back in the Native American days people had sex so freely that there was no guilt associated with having sex. However, this isn't then. This is America. High and competitive America coming out straight of the Evangelical Era. So is this a consequence against religion? Should we instead move into the realm of "Free Love" and a lack of guilt associated with having sex as promoted by Feminists? Yes because the guilt associated with premarital or extramarital sex is so pervasive by men and society that it makes women feel guilty for actions that are mostly coerced by men and it also makes this hookup culture continue in the way of rebellion. The "I am not gonna worry who I have sex with" mentality. Which is also VERY dangerous. The truth is that in many universities across America, students are having TONS of sex. Maybe this has gone on since the 1960...