Spencer's Flowers

Spencer was beautiful. Dorky glasses, dirty blonde hair. He had a deep mind, one that I connected with right away. When I met him, I was worried immediately, cause I had never felt so strongly for someone before. He invited me to meditation club, where the electricity between our bodies would be a live magnet. We would also walk around the campus together, discussing the most deepest speculations of the universe. After all those years of staying quiet, keeping my nose in a book and staying out of trouble - I finally found a guy as interested in me as I was in him. It FREAKED me out. 

He did not know how innocent I was. He thought we were a meeting of the minds. We were, but we simply were not in the same place. I found myself wishing that I had more life experience, wishing I had wasted time on Matt or Devin just so that I could simply say I was as mature as he was. He learned all too quickly that I was too innocent for him. I hadn't kissed a boy in years - it was only one time, and awful. The boy sucked my face behind the school, attacking me like a slobbery dog. I never had sex either - watching my peers in sheer jealousy for the intimacy I had never had. I wanted all too much do all that with him. He was the right person, and yet he didn't want to take my innocence away. I was growing into him and trying to impress him rather than try to grow in college. He was on my thoughts morning noon, and night. 

I don't remember how I got my courage up. Perhaps it was when I called him cute during one of his political rants. Regardless, I didn't think he got the hint. I wanted him to know that I liked him. I went to the Walmart down the road, conflicted the entire time. Girls DO NOT buy boys flowers, and yet I felt like the guy in this situation. What are gender norms anyway but boundaries to be broken? I even googled the meaning of different roses. I knew that I could not buy him red roses, for if I did, I wouldn't even make it to his dorm room door. That's all I wanted, to be strewn on top of his bed, covered in red roses - blushing crimson and entirely debauched. 

Regardless, I bought the yellow roses - symbolizing our friendship. Our friendship would have to grow, it HAD TO. That's how romantic comedies worked. The girls laughed at me as I walked inside my dorm. I knocked on Spencer's door and told him I had something for him. His heart beat fast, and it took him a while to come. I sat in my dorm room waiting for him like a live wire. In that time, I wrote a love poem, heart threatening to stop beating all together. 

When I gave him the flowers, he brushed crimson. 

"Laura, this is really sweet" he said, choked up and holding back his own tears. I showed him the poem too. He was so, so cute. We ended up kissing, but he clenched my wrists to hold me back. His lips tasted like alcohol - like my own personal narcotic. He said we'd meet later, but it never did happen that day. Not even for the following days. 

He was just as scared as I was. 

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