One Day

I was just a slave to your body I didn't care It was almost like some sick, twisted secret of my summer That I enjoyed immensely Though I loved you And though I had always loved you It was a sick sort of poison that took over The satisfaction at seeing my own nude body in photograph Your general devaluing of me The grim satisfaction of knowing that I wouldn't be enough for you That it would never be enough Your cruelty Your ability to focus Your lack of love for me And yet I fell more for you than ever before Maybe it wasn't supposed to be like this But the sick satisfaction of your body made it so The feeling of your hands Your ribs laying on top of mine Pushing me down under you Helpless and squished to death Your moaning And your sweaty smell I watched as you took the condom off and threw it on top of me With the windows wide open You told me to look I immediately shut them But I only grimaced And as I was left alone in your room The fan hum...

You told me to lay down on the bed. So I did and I watched as you tied me up. My breath quickened. I knew that you were going to make a mess of me. "Are you nervous?" Was I even paying attention? Now I was breathing so albeit heavily that even I was a little embarrassed at myself. There was a distance between us. I could see it as I lay tied up watching you from afar. You were so focused. So intent on something that almost seemed like a task. I didn't know what you were going to do with me. Then you made me feel ashamed of myself. Humiliated. Almost disgusted at myself. Then you slapped me. Hard. Across my jaw. I found my head was spinning as you put your hands on my throat. Then I felt the life being taken from my body. My eyes rolled back of my head as you made a mess of my body. Then you came back. "Are you crying?" Yes. I was crying. In fact, I didn't stop. I kept on crying. I cried for months. I cried you away from me.

I feel disgusting. Not in the way that I am actually disgusting but in the way that no matter how many times I try to clean myself, I find myself getting dirtier and dirtier. Perhaps I am scratching my soul wrong. Is it possible to eat metal? I heard that the only way to not contaminate yourself is not to indulge into the small little luxuries that go along with food on a plate. Often the food is drenched in calories. Not me. I drink the carbonated soda from the soda machine at my school. It's midnight and my brain is running itself dry. What if I start really trying to fix myself? What would I become out of my own intent focus? Can a brain really stop working when it is trying so hard to do something that it is not programmed to do? That is what I ask myself when I am trying to get thoughts of you out of my mind. How far I will have to go to re-program my mind.

I wish I could remember life before I met you But it seems like you were always the notes I wrote The dreams I dreamed Now trying to look back at the way my life was going I knew it was always leading to you There were the signs everywhere The way I could look at the stars and know you were there That somewhere you existed That life would someday bring you to me Now this place is a graveyard of my dreams And you are going away I suppose it was necessary to move on from you Maybe if it is only for a little while But god I love you I know I have fucked it up I know how seriously and utterly I have fucked up everything with us But I can't imagine my life without you You really care about people You give me a purpose for going I just wish I could have given you one Which is why I know have adopted this new lifestyle And man It isn't exactly what I had hoped for This isn't really the person I wanted to be I just want to mean something to someone The way...

It hurts to know That you are sick That nothing will ever help you No magical miracle coming my way To save me from this pain

As I sink deeper into my own despair I find that every is gone Not in a depressive, fearful way but In a zen fashion The dissolution of my ego The falling out of my brain Each day I make the walk to school Restling with my demons That once so bright and sunny girl is now scared Of everything Can hardly look up to see a comforting friend Always looking downward and removed I won't ever write a great piece Never have one understand completely how my brain works How it feels to have him threaten to hurt you To be dragged into a hospital by sheer will To bullied and rejected Growing up in a family with so many problems I suppose no one will get me Not in a selfish way but In a way that they never understood the whole story I notice it in the way they phrase the question I answer "It is a long story" Even as I try to go back and recount these events Leading to my removal from my life There is none She told me to go to the counselor I couldn't...

They tell women "Be kind and patient. Smart, but not too smart. Confident but not confident enough that you would sleep with every guy you meet. And not so smart that you are bordering on crazy. No one likes a crazy girl." I am so done I think Can't find the words to speak Trying to smile and make things anew But what to smile about With the anger filling my heart? And you ignoring me Your phone on a constant block With the intimacy that we shared The way you wrapped your arms around me Letting me sleep on your chest Calling yourself a "lucky bastard" But then threatening to lash my legs and leave a mark Then the silence Little by little Into nothing I wonder if the Freshmen girls know what they are getting into Or maybe it's just me Feels like I have been stacked away on a shelf An old 'play thing' And I know it isn't love But it still is true The moment they come to my house I block their number I don't open the door I whisper to myself ...