One Day

  Man had always looked to stars for guidance Wherever they were, wherever they sought  Squinted to look up upon the night  Those stars, echoes of what was once Echoes of a future we can’t ascertain    The thought remains  The ever questioning theories change Is it magnificent Is it just a shifting vortex We seem to want answers without knowing questions   Imagination never seeks to end Staring out at the endless void Future we can touch within our fingertips Echoes of civilizations long gone People we will never meet, and times left to come   So out at the beach Moon hanging low I stare onto the stars Beacons of neverending hope

The Mountain We Climb  Don't know the name of The mountain we climb Swayed by paths both  Tried and true  We need a guide It’s easy to fall So don’t you dare look down  To the great chasm below Pickpockets of Earth Waiting to suck you in  The slopes we climb Wide as the political divide Several mountains along the slope Ways of speaking: Thoughts and opinions With no one to share An elated release of victory You have climb Everest Yet there are still things to do New countries to visit Ancient mysteries to gloss over Now homebound, books become Planes and videogames  Become houses here We float away under a blanket of clouds Waiting for the chance to rise

 CHAPTER ONE - THE BOY WHO LIVED  Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of Privet Drive were the last people to be involved in anything strange or mysterious. Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made drills.  He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, and a large mustache. Mrs Dursley was thin, blonde, and had twice as much neck for spying on neighbors.  The Dursleys had a small son named Dudley - the “finest” boy around. The Dursleys also had a secret, and they were afraid someone would discover it. They couldn’t bear it if someone found out about Petunia’s sister’s family - The Potters. The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son, and they did not want Dudley associating with a child like that. It was a peculiar morning.  Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out a tie for work, while Mrs. Dursley gossiped away as she wrestled a screaming Dudley into his high chair. None of them noticed the large, tawny owl flutter past the window. Mr. Dursley go...

Spencer was beautiful. Dorky glasses, dirty blonde hair. He had a deep mind, one that I connected with right away. When I met him, I was worried immediately, cause I had never felt so strongly for someone before. He invited me to meditation club, where the electricity between our bodies would be a live magnet. We would also walk around the campus together, discussing the most deepest speculations of the universe. After all those years of staying quiet, keeping my nose in a book and staying out of trouble - I finally found a guy as interested in me as I was in him. It FREAKED me out.  He did not know how innocent I was. He thought we were a meeting of the minds. We were, but we simply were not in the same place. I found myself wishing that I had more life experience, wishing I had wasted time on Matt or Devin just so that I could simply say I was as mature as he was. He learned all too quickly that I was too innocent for him. I hadn't kissed a boy in years - it was only one time, an...

In times of COVID-19, there’s been discussion of whether to keep learning online or virtual. Right now, the expectation is that everyone can go get vaccinated so that they can begin their lives. There’s still another view however, that a “new normal” has taken over the world and that virtual learning is here to stay.  During my graduate program, there was an expectation right out of the get-go that I would be a virtual teacher. I was made to focus on online materials like PowerPoints and Google Slides with a bunch of links and images.  At some point in the fall, they introduced Google Classroom and Microsoft Teams. I had to complete one of the trainings. The questions, like on many standardized tests, reiterated every specific and redundant details - unnecessary rewordings of the main ideas. On top of this, every video was an overzealous testimony to what technology did in their classroom - making it sound as if the teachers were both and horrified at the prospect of technolog...

I just wrote a post on Wordpress that took a whole hour. I said something very important about the shooting in Florida, but nobody wanted to hear it. It was about drugs causing the problem of mass shootings in America. I'm infuriated, upset really, that I can't help but only get hateful comments when I mention one thing that someone doesn't like - like gun control. The commentor will likely remain anonymous, even though he agrees with what I say on the drugs. I just need someone to understand. Do you know how hard it is for me to write? I used to be so good at it, but I've been through so much it is impossible to do anymore. I understand that discussion should be allowed online, and that people have different opinions, but I would like one person to please support and respect my ability to write online. Do you know what PTSD is like? It really sucks. I've been raped, abused, physically assaulted, verbally harassed; and I'm writing on here. I'm trying to fi...

You get beat up enough Dissapointed enough You learn to stop trying

I go to books to learn in them what I can’t find in real life. To understand things that through imagination and pondering, can be applied back to the real world. To understand romance is to understand the idea of it, the deconstruction of the idea and the re-application of those ideas back into the real world. We can all benefit from these books for women about romance because they are realistic of how we can be, and hopeful for what we can become. 1.      Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert There’s a reason this novel has lasting power. It’s not about love. There’s no happily ever after. However, it is an examination of the idea of love. Of the romantic and of the value of art. It’s uniquely French and yet it is universal, for it is about how the idea of another person can fall so short of who they really are and how two people that once were so intimate can become strangers. It’s about Madame Bovary and she does not get a happy ending. She does dream of one t...

I'm not a somatic narcissist nor am I a lesbian. I don't know why you think I'm sending out a mating call to you but your insistance on being an empath with no narcissist tendencies by virtue of your MBTI sign is ridiculous. Hitler was an INFJ. Moreover, a woman who is frustrated with men should not be automatically labeled as gay in order to ease your conscious. I'm sorry, maybe men are more dissapointing than you would hope to admit - seeing as you are a ‘'sensitive” man. All I was looking for was a legitimate answer but your answer is the insulting proof that people like you disguise themselves as empaths in order to prey on others by calling them narcissists and fill their heads with crap as a result.

I am gonna be honest because it seems like the only way I can check myself in the coming days, months and even years. The truth is, I've been in love with someone much longer than I should have been. I should have gotten over him a long time ago but I still relentlessly try whether through communication (which I have decreased over time) and especially through my own alone time to be the kind of girl for him. I don't mean to do it consciously but I also feel like much of what I have done could have been somewhat influenced by him - a thought that scares me because I don't know how much of my life really is my own choice. I should have gotten over him a long time ago. Other people are moving on with their lives and nothing has happened in mine. I really need to grow up. He would be so much happier without me and yet, I can't. I don't know how. I'm still trying. WHY?

Fuck I need to get over him It wasn't supposed to happen like this I wasn't supposed to fall in love with someone so much older than me He wasn't supposed to kiss me Or fuck me He wasn't supposed to walk away I wasn't supposed to stay at home for a year and a half after he left Never believing I would be in another relationship again I wasn't supposed to turn down 40+ guys over the internet Nor stop having sex Believing myself to be a lesbian Nor was he supposed to come back To stop caring Unless it was for sex Or friendship Never love I wasn't supposed to want to meet him I was supposed to come out of my shell To try to move on To get a place to live To get a job I could still get that but There was that stupid RA I fell in love with Who was just nerdy enough To turn my whole world upside down

They all left. They all still blame me for everything years later. I tried telling them that I was depressed but they said I threw my problems on others. A lot of them did that themselves but they were unable to see when it affected other people. They just wanted people to listen to their own problems. I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is a lot of shitty people in the world. It tends to want to break you real fast. A lot of the people who have luck in friendships and love tend to have happy dispositions - which make them easier/enjoyable to be around and able to put up with peoples’ BS. Thus, because many narcissists have these friends, they expect other people to kiss up to them. Narcissism and mental illness, particularly depression, can seem like the flip of a coin. You can’t really help it and yet you still get stares when you burst out crying and have to leave the room. You know people don’t want to be reminded of your grief: they either want to have a happy day or hav...

Spencer said today that I am too hard on myself but whatever, I want to reflect on the idea that I am addicted to his rejected or why I am not a guy's first choice. For starters, I've become addicted to rejection. This means I probably do pick the wrong guys. There's nothing wrong with Spencer but for some reason, he's a bad guy. This makes no logical sense. I guess it's supposed to mean that I've been rejected by enough guys and have consequential BPD/mental health issues that I continue to seek out bad guys and accept rejection. This is probable as I have seemingly already gotten over my rejection, accepting it as normal. The other factor could be that I'm ugly. I've thought about that I may not be physically attractive. My skin might not be white enough, my head too big, my jaw too misaligned, my face too covered in freckles. Whatever it is, it's something. Something could be unattractive about me. This could be the reason that despite how man...

So. I got rejected again. Same guy. You'd think I would learn something already. That you can't make men love you and that hissy fits are not attractive. I can't believe I lost it with him and now he feels farther away. I had meant to ask if it was physical so I could know if it were wrong. Yet it's a little more - it's physical and friendly - but it's not romantic. You can't make someone love you. It's not even a choice really. He apologized. He was really nice about it. I hate that he's nice. That he cares. I hate that so much because it means I can't hate him. It means I'm still in love with him and may always be. I hate that so much. The future? Bah. Future.... what a ridiculous concept. I can't hold onto him or the idea that it's more than it is though my mother, ridiculous in her nature, believes he is emotionally constipated. Or worse, that he's a Steve Lee. God help me if he is, cause that bastard told my mom he loved her ...