Spencer

I think about Spencer a lot. That is probably not what you want to hear but it's true.  I had friends ans even a casual sex partner but the main reason I left Southern was because of how hard it was to forget his eyes. Being the new kid here and trying to find my way around is hard and embarassing. It makes me think of him becoming my friend my first semester at Southern. How everything seemed so scary and then there was comfort in looking up at his room and longing for him. Everyone liked him but I probably am the only one who became so smitten entirely. When he rejected me, I needed someone else's comfort. When that person left me, I willed myself underneath Spencer. Even after he has used me probably for some porn website, sex and broke my jaw in; I still love him. I guess it's true what they say about women being overexcited and in love with the bad guys. Would he turn me off if he were suddenly attracted to me? He said he would come back and yet I can't believe it. I almost wish he didn't because the world would be more normal and stable if it didn't. I have tried to run away from my past but my past has always chased me. People terrify me. Being at Georgia State is no exception and yet through this loneliness and constant depression (perhaps caused by Bipolar Disorder), I can still understand why I would pine over someone in the first place. Perhaps I am not normal and like other people, yet through this understanding of myself I can learn to forgive my past selves- even if they were wrong.

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