Second First Day of College

First day at a new school. I am terrified. I sat on the Marta train with all these grown up adults feeling like I could jump out of my skin. I guess commuting doesn't matter but still I had the back to school jitters feeling "What if these kids don't like me?" It's stupid and pathetic but I have already felt stupid since leaving Georgia Southern. It's funny but Georgia State makes me miss the other school and what I had going there even though I was suffering Depression my last semester there due to Spencer breaking up with me. I had so much going for me. Maybe that's an overstatement but I was going to finish my second semester of Integrated Chinese, join the PR College Association of America and get started on my major classes. I hated everything I had done there. Mostly I hated myself. I didn't like myself you see. I felt like I was turning into a sociopath, that I really was Bipolar and that there was something guys didn't like about me. I hate admitting to myself that having withdrawal from sex changed me personality wise and changed my goals but it did. I wanted to be a different person. Moreover, I wanted to believe myself to be this person. That I could change. That is a lot of pressure to put on yourself the first day. I feel like I am jumping out of my skin. I also don't know anybody like I did at Georgia Southern even if they knew me for the wrong reasons. That is why I woke up this morning with a dreadful feeling that this was a mistake. My sister was right to believe she scared me away from teaching. I am nervous that I am fooling myself. I have always thought that with every major I have had. Like my decision to choose PR was a belief that I should be in Corporate. Going out was because I felt I shouldn't have been. Now having been on the bus with all those corporate white collar workers, I almost had a change of heart. Does it ever end? I hear we aren't supposed to know what we are doing in college but most the people I know are in their senior year, already taking internships and preparing themselves for the real world. I am not prepared and the longer I stay in college, the more I feel like a burden on my parents' finances. It's not fair. I wish I could kill the doubt in my stomach but it's bubbling in my stomach. Dammit. Wish me luck.

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