8:30:2016

I feel like people hate me. I also feel like I have been blacklisted by my last name. That the government monitors my thoughts because they view me as a threat. I don't see myself as a threat but sometimes people tell me that my thoughts are dangerous and shouldn't be shared. Afterwards, I immediately delete what I wrote. I hate being called wrong on every account. It's not a fair criticism and I don't take it seriously yet I still do take offense and often suffer anxiety when anyone criticizes me in any way. When I was shunned by my friends in high school, I deleted: my Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Livejournal and even my previous Blogger account. It's the same with relationships. Why do they always end so badly? They usually make me psychotic when the guy says I am crazy or points out a fundamental flaw in my thinking which causes me to avoid social interaction and criticism all together while I struggle to make a new plan for how I address the world. Yet there is a psycho in my psyche. I won't deny it. Every now and then a comment will come out and people will be shocked by my lack of compassion, pride, prejudice or challenging of societal norms. It's weird that I censor myself this much. I almost can't help but want to vote for Hillary in the election and criticize myself for any rebellious viewpoint. I struggle to understand what others want or believe in yet I still can't find friends in this world or anyone to really care about me. (Not like doctors... Real people.) Some people say it's my lack of self confidence yet I am also narcisstic. I have two selves that frequently clash. I often wonder if this new self is a response to my psychiatric treatment. Yet the old self frequently makes returns to my conscience. Who will win? Where does my true self really lie? Will I ever find my place in this world or will I be removed from it? (Psychiatry is Assisted Suicide you know.) I am becoming psychotic. There are too many people in the world that hate me. I can never express my views because they are seen as wrong. I even censor myself. Both parts of my psyche are frustrated. There is no reward for any worldview. I don't have a cohesive identity. It leads me to question whether I should be allowed to exist when I am such a threat to the system with my freedom of thought. I wish someone could provide answers but sadly they think I am insane or are holding their tongue. I don't even intend anyone to read this blog. I write on it though despite government monitoring because I feel like screaming. This is my only release. I am sure it will be my downfall through social coercion inducing psychosis but at least today, it's not there yet. Yet.