One Day

I am gonna be honest because it seems like the only way I can check myself in the coming days, months and even years. The truth is, I've been in love with someone much longer than I should have been. I should have gotten over him a long time ago but I still relentlessly try whether through communication (which I have decreased over time) and especially through my own alone time to be the kind of girl for him. I don't mean to do it consciously but I also feel like much of what I have done could have been somewhat influenced by him - a thought that scares me because I don't know how much of my life really is my own choice. I should have gotten over him a long time ago. Other people are moving on with their lives and nothing has happened in mine. I really need to grow up. He would be so much happier without me and yet, I can't. I don't know how. I'm still trying. WHY?

Fuck I need to get over him It wasn't supposed to happen like this I wasn't supposed to fall in love with someone so much older than me He wasn't supposed to kiss me Or fuck me He wasn't supposed to walk away I wasn't supposed to stay at home for a year and a half after he left Never believing I would be in another relationship again I wasn't supposed to turn down 40+ guys over the internet Nor stop having sex Believing myself to be a lesbian Nor was he supposed to come back To stop caring Unless it was for sex Or friendship Never love I wasn't supposed to want to meet him I was supposed to come out of my shell To try to move on To get a place to live To get a job I could still get that but There was that stupid RA I fell in love with Who was just nerdy enough To turn my whole world upside down

They all left. They all still blame me for everything years later. I tried telling them that I was depressed but they said I threw my problems on others. A lot of them did that themselves but they were unable to see when it affected other people. They just wanted people to listen to their own problems. I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is a lot of shitty people in the world. It tends to want to break you real fast. A lot of the people who have luck in friendships and love tend to have happy dispositions - which make them easier/enjoyable to be around and able to put up with peoples’ BS. Thus, because many narcissists have these friends, they expect other people to kiss up to them. Narcissism and mental illness, particularly depression, can seem like the flip of a coin. You can’t really help it and yet you still get stares when you burst out crying and have to leave the room. You know people don’t want to be reminded of your grief: they either want to have a happy day or hav...

Spencer said today that I am too hard on myself but whatever, I want to reflect on the idea that I am addicted to his rejected or why I am not a guy's first choice. For starters, I've become addicted to rejection. This means I probably do pick the wrong guys. There's nothing wrong with Spencer but for some reason, he's a bad guy. This makes no logical sense. I guess it's supposed to mean that I've been rejected by enough guys and have consequential BPD/mental health issues that I continue to seek out bad guys and accept rejection. This is probable as I have seemingly already gotten over my rejection, accepting it as normal. The other factor could be that I'm ugly. I've thought about that I may not be physically attractive. My skin might not be white enough, my head too big, my jaw too misaligned, my face too covered in freckles. Whatever it is, it's something. Something could be unattractive about me. This could be the reason that despite how man...

So. I got rejected again. Same guy. You'd think I would learn something already. That you can't make men love you and that hissy fits are not attractive. I can't believe I lost it with him and now he feels farther away. I had meant to ask if it was physical so I could know if it were wrong. Yet it's a little more - it's physical and friendly - but it's not romantic. You can't make someone love you. It's not even a choice really. He apologized. He was really nice about it. I hate that he's nice. That he cares. I hate that so much because it means I can't hate him. It means I'm still in love with him and may always be. I hate that so much. The future? Bah. Future.... what a ridiculous concept. I can't hold onto him or the idea that it's more than it is though my mother, ridiculous in her nature, believes he is emotionally constipated. Or worse, that he's a Steve Lee. God help me if he is, cause that bastard told my mom he loved her ...

So this is going to be a fun post because I'm going to talk to you about two books with mental health issues that I can recommend for young women. I chose these specific fiction titles not because they are conventional but because they show a progressive amount of growth between the beginning and the end. Something Blue + The Diary of Darcy J. Rhone by Emily Giffin Darcy is a character from the movie/book Something Borrowed. She is cheated on by her fiancée with her best friend but also cheats on her fiancée with his best friend. She ends up getting pregnant in an attempt to show Rachel and Dex off, only to realize the father wants nothing to do with it, she no longer has a roommate to live with and her parents are dissapointed in her and Rachel and Dex are planning their wedding. Distraught, she moves to London with her old friend from school named Ethan, and in the experience she realizes the mistakes she made, how to be responsible why she pushes people away and that she lo...