I Feel Like Shit

He has been the third guy in a long time to call me a stalker. Said I imagined the whole relationship. That the letter on my car was from someone else and that I was too blinded in infatuation for him to see the truth. That he did in fact use me for sex (again the third guy), felt sort of bad but not really because it's just too hard to try and be a good person. Asked for me to "Please don't contact me again. Even when you feel guilty about this hours later, don't text me." I feel like I have been shot in the foot really. I know I tend to over-idealize things but we really did have something going at some point. Perhaps I clung on or maybe he just changed his mind. (Probably the later.) So yeah. Now I am a slut and a stalker. My ex's are still doing fine without me and I am left really to wonder why I keep chasing "nice dorky guys" who really just "use me for sex." I would infer that there aren't any good guys in the world or that I am stupid to keep running into nerds who find themselves more worthy than me and therefore can just walk over my back and call me "Bipolar." Or "spoiled brat." Whatever they can do to have sex with me and then move onto the next one. My first 2 years at University were really a lie. Being called a slut around the school by my ex who couldn't give a rat's ass about me or my supposed guy friend leading me on in a relationship asking for nudes and then taking to Facebook to publicly call me a stalker. My true ex said I threatened to kill myself which wasn't really true. I felt like it though when he wouldn't stop texting me to have a polyamory with his girlfriend when I kept telling him no and then he kept talking about "how no one will ever want you." This whole blog was a lie really if I was so insane to imagine either getting their dick wet inside of me and telling me things like 'You're so beautiful" or "You're so sexy." Bah humbug. "I am gonna spend most of the semester with you" or "I want you to have my kids" (my ex in his most extreme to get me to have unprotected sex with him and later beg me to get plan b) or this current guy texting me last week for 3 straight days begging me for nudes and then when I reject having casual sex with him, spouts "You can't make someone love you" and "Please don't talk to me anymore stalker." I think guys really just want to have as many hookups as possible. When one relationship doesn't work out, they just go hopping to the next one. Forget all that stuff like "not all guys" or "guys mature overtime", "love yourself", "you are looking for love in the wrong places" or "you're a whore" or worse "you're just obsessed. you practically begged to have sex with me." I think the next time I get in a relationship it is probably going to end up like this. Is it my fault that I don't want to put up with no strings attached or polyamory? It is in these guys minds that "yes, there is something wrong with you." I don't understand guys anymore. Perhaps I have jumped into the wrong end of the pool on numerous occasions, even with the first guy I talked to in high school, but I think there must be something wrong with either them or me. Maybe I am too sensitive. Maybe I want too much to quickly. Possible but even when I gave myself so readily in college, it was a stupid decision. I honestly think that no one will ever want to get to know me. A lot of my ex-friends blame me for drama in high school because I was upset when first guy/friend used me for sex and demanded I join his polyamory cult. He was the most ugliest guy by the way. Glasses, pimples, ruffled hair and a slight belly as well as shorter than me. Perhaps the nerdiest guy around and the most mean. My friends blamed me instead of him though. So I don't really have much hope about right now. All those friends I made at my past university are probably gone because they believe I am bipolar. It was a misdiagnosis but no one cares. Society always wants someone to blame. Like my ex's. Mom is sad. She wants me to believe that I am going to find my happily-ever-after but does that really exist? I read all these stories on single 30 somethings who never found anyone because their counterparts keep dating younger girls. Men love younger girls and lesbians. It's simple math. Then once women get past 50, they throw the towel in. I would do much better to become a nun but mom says "No." She wants me to be married so she can get me out of her house. I doubt I will ever be married or have kids or that the marriage would even survive. (most marriages work like relationships anyway. wife and man fight. man fucks secretary.) Some guys on Reddit would blame me for the "thousand cock stare." Simply not true. I was just as depressed and tired of the dating world before I lost my V-card. Then there are the psychologists who say "love yourself. you are probably better single anyway." Yeah. Totally. I am so much better being a pack mule to the working world's cog machine. Even though I am unemployed and close to being a college dropout because college is a damn waste of time but I am still forced to go. There is no advice anyone can give me because they keep avoiding the issue. Our culture is so quick to blame women and not men. Men are such a problem. They never even know they are problems which is why they caused all the wars in human history (except the Trojan War - cause that was Helen of Troy). Men never can look inside themselves. They just find a more annoying girl to dump it on. (To whomever is reading this and realizes that yes- I am a man hater. Well if you have a problem, fuck off this blog.)

This is the letter I constantly get from guys

Dear So and So
Listen, I like you but I don't think this can continue. Well it's not like I don't like you. You are very sexy. I admire you as a person, as a friend. I really believe that there is not a girl I have met that doesn't understand me like you do. You care about my well being more than anyone and that that is why we are friends. I want to spend more time with you and it might surprise you to know that I feel the same about you. You can even come over if you would like.

The thing is, however, I am not looking for a serious relationship. You are not the one and I don't see this going anywhere in the future. See you are too dependent on me for your happiness and you need to let go. Seriously. This is your last chance. Perhaps there was a time I saw good in you but it's died so to speak. You're just selfish. Like a spoiled brat who thinks the whole world revolves around her. You knew I was an asshole so why did you keep coming back to me? You're a slut who cheated on me and anyone who gets with you is going to leave you when they find out how crazy you are. You seriously wonder why nobody wants you? Nobody likes you. If you don't get it, maybe you are crazy.

Look, maybe I will be nice to you. Not now but in the future when I need something - like a blowjob. You would be willing to do that wouldn't you? It's not like you are getting anything anyway. It's kind of sad how pathetic you are. You don't go out. You don't do anything. You are boring. You could however agree to be in a polyamory relationship with my girlfriend. She is much more mature than you are because she isn't jealous. The Native Americans didn't claim each other. They respectfully shared each other knowing that it was the right thing. If you don't understand that, you are just selfish.

In fact, if you don't come, I am blocking you. You brought up the discussion of sex in the first place and you gave me Chlamydia. In fact, you practically begged me for sex so don't go around claiming it is my fault. Everything you say is a spout of lies. I never liked you. It was your fault you were so blinded in infatuation for me. Now I am blocking you. When you feel bad about this conversation later, please don't text me. Don't text me ever again. Normal girls don't feel emotions like you do. Perhaps you need to go check in with your psychiatrist. I am sure he is giving you the advice you need. However, I will report you to the police if you threaten to kill yourself again. I would rather you just be in a mental hospital so I don't have to deal with you anymore. Or be on medication. Please get on medication again so some other prick can come around, make you feel bad about yourself and use you for sex like I did. 

Your Significant Fuck Up