Geraldine

There is so much I discovered today and there is still some stuff I don't get. Let's just clear things up for anyone who might be following this blog. My family must have an addiction problem. My grandmother Geraldine and her sister Aunt Trudy were really into Psychology and Psychiatry. Aunt Trudy was always justifying the medication she was taking for her erratic behavior. Eventually she committed agravated battery and died of too many drugs. Geraldine loved my Grandad and though they broke up because he was being very flirtatious to other women, she moved back to Florida and got a 6 year degree in Psychology wanting to be a therapist. Only she must have felt drunk and maybe suicidal even when she found out my grandad met his new lady - my stepgrandmother - then went and got on the highway. Committed vehicular homicide. That was that. Nothing to show for her life. I guess it seems unfair to me even though she did kill another person and caused a lot of grief in another family. I know this is how the ex's dead girlfriend Jaina died with her mom. Yet when it happened she must have given up on everything and still have been seeking some redememption or a way out. She might have wanted people to know she was a good person like her friends and family knew. She was kind, beautiful, loving and intelligent. So why is it that history gets to write people off? She wasn't "Bipolar" to anyone that knew her. It's weird then how the psychiatrist got me believing I was because of what happened to her. All that grief I have been through. Then I think of her in jail with people treating her like less than human. I know when Jaina's stepdad Richard found out about the death of his wife and Jaina, he went and killed the man. He ended up in jail too and gave her journals to the ex. I am left with a pile of photographs. Another life in the Catskills. Was it a slow degredation? Was her life falling apart before it began? She asked for some money to get out of jail on bond but her father said no. That was the night before she died. On bond. Like she could go free after what happened? Jaina's killer wasn't indicited right away obviously or he wouldn't have been killed. I don't know what I am trying to understand. Maybe I am trying to understand S's face when he choked me. How he looked at me with the eyes of a cold blooded killer. I am trying to understand myself. What was in him and in my first love and in my dad, in my runaway friend, my grandmother and me. Apparently there is nothing. Then I imagined it? So what do I feel? Emptiness? A predisposition to addiction? Maybe that's the answer but I will never stop questioning. I have so many questions. About painkillers and me. About people who don't care. With no answer. You know. Why do I have to explain things? It's a tragedy. Me growing up without a father. Me thinking I am not good enough or that I am crazy because people seem to hate me in some way. You already know that don't you? I am broken. A broken record. Haven't you been listening? Anyone? Does anyone care about the truth? Here's the truth: We all start out human. That is my truth. I hope someday anyone who knew me or knew my writing will understand. I was a real person. Like you I wanted to change the world. I wanted to find true love. So did my family. So does everyone. Why can't that be accepted? Why can't someone see the love in the unloveable? Often we see only hate and it guides us in dealing with the world. Only I don't see hate when I look at these pictures. The world isn't run by hate. It's run by love. A lack of it leads us to do certain things. I was loved. This is who I am. Who I was and who I will be. They can call me crazy all they want but the proof is in the pudding. I am 100% human. I will not be reduced to a sentence of judgement by another. Let that be my legacy no matter what happens. This is my heritage. My family. Take it or leave it.

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