Breaking into Pieces

I don't ever want to be married. Ever. It is a trap. To feel at one moment like the sky's the limit and that you have the potential to be loved unconditionally. Then the next, you are hit with the crushing reality. You are not good enough. Whether you disagree with him or love him too much. Whether you move the relationship too quickly or not at all. You are not good enough for him. Then comes the crushing reality: his girlfriend. She is prettier than you and nicer than you. They have a fun time together and even his parents like her better than you. He's not afraid to show themselves off in public and he believes in love again more than he ever could with you. How could this happen? Is it that I am truly crazy enough that I will never have a man who can love me for all my faults and foibles? It was fantasy. It was believing that I was good enough. That I was deserving of being loved. That was my foolishness. To close my eyes for even just a moment to pretend that I could be happy. Fuck. I am tired of being the other woman. I am tired of putting myself out there and I am tired of nursing my wounds in the shadows when I get hurt. I won't be young forever and soon I could be like one of those 30 year old woman who never had a real serious relationship or worse, one of those women who get divorced when they are at their most vulnerable old age. I am so tired of having faith in men. It has nothing to do with Feminism. No. It never had anything to do with Feminism. I was an Anti-Feminist originally but it really doesn't matter if you are Feminist or not, men will always find an excuse to leave you for a younger, prettier and more easier woman. The worse part? They don't even feel bad about it. No. They are content and happy to leave you in the past and you have to wonder to yourself why. Why did I let myself believe that I am beautiful or pretty and that someone could love me? Because now I am getting punished for my emotions. Now I am stuck with a crushing depression and no way out. It's all their fault but they left so quickly, the only one I have to blame is me. I am tired of blaming myself. I am tired of hurting myself trying to get better. I don't think anyone can recognize this pain or know what it means. I must be completely incapable of being loved. Everyone else seems to think so.

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