One Day

I fucking hate myself. I am fucking annoyed at my feelings and at having feelings. I want to make something out of my sadness. I want to rise above what has happened to me but the truth is I'm terrified and ashamed of everything. So ashamed and so mad that I feel this sad. Spring feels as if it will be upon us. There is a desire growing in me that contradicts every aspect of my waking reality. I know that I should not complain - if I had love for even a short time on this earth, that is better than having no love at all. Yet I also feel envy for the pregnant ladies. I want to create. I want to give way to the madness inside of me. It won't be perfect and it will be very messy yet, I feel like the story inside of me is meant to be birthed out of inspiration, frustration or both. To escape from this reality of confinement into realms more deeper and of understanding. Because the pain is too great. It is still as if he touched me yesterday. I have to escape this hell somehow...

It was an eventful summer of 2015. I had completed many books and a crush of mine started to see me. I was happy but I overwhelmed him with my problems. I had too many questions for him, namely on the subject of MBTI. "I tested on the MBTI test again and this time I got INFJ" I said, while we readied to watch Hannibal. "Can you stop talking about that test?" he groaned. "I'm just curious, that's all. I want to know how valid it really is and where it's holes are" I said in a small voice. "It's a test" he replied. "You aren't supposed to think about it." Yet it's all I could think about and after he decided that he was no longer interested in me, I pursued it further in those dark days when I thought I would never love another again. This wasn't the first time I had taken the Myer-Briggs Personality Test. The first time was at a drama summer camp when I was disappointed not to be with my other frie...

Maybe I was dreaming that you loved me It must have been the way you touched me That made me imagine intimacy Maybe I was dreaming that you loved me The way you confided in me Made me believe in myself Maybe I was dreaming that you loved me I practiced a smile And to you I was glowing Maybe I was dreaming that you loved me For when you chose me for my mind I believed there was more to life than looks ... Maybe I was dreaming that you loved me You told me that you needed space I had no clue I interfered Maybe I was dreaming that you loved me I called you every night I was shockingly ugly Maybe I was dreaming that you loved me For I was crying in parking lots Writing morbid poetry Maybe I was dreaming that you loved me I could never sleep And I wished my life away ... Then at some point when you texted me Everything was anew And then again I lost you I don't know where I went wrong I see you everywhere You are so happy and I am so sad You a...

I wish there was a way to not love you but I do and it's hurting me. I thought about you the whole ride here. Even going to sleep that night, tears streamed down my eyes for 2 hours until I woke up and realized I was still thinking about you and had not fell asleep. I'm in pain. When will I ever feel okay again?

Reaching for you In places that have been left By the memory of you Burning through my head Just the very thought of you Makes me wonder of things unknown In my future And on this day I hope you are happy Even if I will never see you again I hope you think of me And know I didn't wish you harm I hope you know I loved you And though I am lonely And crazy I will make it through some day It's been lonely looking at the stars Without being in your arms I wonder if I am beautiful enough To be loved at all But someday I won't be alone And at that moment I will know I am home Until then I am alone And that is Okay too Sitting here And thinking of you

I want to leave the country I know what happened in this election is partially my fault because I voted for Trump in my anger against a global establishment of elites I know that because of my anger, I should be blamed for what is happening in America Illegal immigrants will be deported It won't affect me Muslims will be targeted It won't affect me Whites will be killed It will effect me I am ashamed that we have someone elected to the office of President of the United States who is racist, Islamophobic, xenophobic, sexist and homophobic However, I don't want to be blamed for what is happening And I know that many people hate Trump the way they hate me I am just as bigoted and hateful as Trump Which is why Spencer has stopped talking to me and is probably fucking some nice, liberal girl who reminds him of Princess Diana suffering with something akin to Depression And yet, I just want to fucking leave I don't want to defend my mother when th...

It's empty where you were Hidden in the dark Staring at the stars Listening to the sounds of a distant train I think that we often do not know what we have while we have it Yet I know I knew better than To take for granted my time with you From the moment I met you I knew I was looking into the past That room where I imagined your arms Now your hand has left a wound on my face I feel like a freakish piece of art Looking back at our time I can't help but wonder what it meant And realize it met nothing Even though to me, you meant everything