One Day

I feel like people hate me. I also feel like I have been blacklisted by my last name. That the government monitors my thoughts because they view me as a threat. I don't see myself as a threat but sometimes people tell me that my thoughts are dangerous and shouldn't be shared. Afterwards, I immediately delete what I wrote. I hate being called wrong on every account. It's not a fair criticism and I don't take it seriously yet I still do take offense and often suffer anxiety when anyone criticizes me in any way. When I was shunned by my friends in high school, I deleted: my Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Livejournal and even my previous Blogger account. It's the same with relationships. Why do they always end so badly? They usually make me psychotic when the guy says I am crazy or points out a fundamental flaw in my thinking which causes me to avoid social interaction and criticism all together while I struggle to make a new plan for how I address the world. Yet there is a...

I think about Spencer a lot. That is probably not what you want to hear but it's true.  I had friends ans even a casual sex partner but the main reason I left Southern was because of how hard it was to forget his eyes. Being the new kid here and trying to find my way around is hard and embarassing. It makes me think of him becoming my friend my first semester at Southern. How everything seemed so scary and then there was comfort in looking up at his room and longing for him. Everyone liked him but I probably am the only one who became so smitten entirely. When he rejected me, I needed someone else's comfort. When that person left me, I willed myself underneath Spencer. Even after he has used me probably for some porn website, sex and broke my jaw in; I still love him. I guess it's true what they say about women being overexcited and in love with the bad guys. Would he turn me off if he were suddenly attracted to me? He said he would come back and yet I can't believe it....

I want a job To stick my stilletos in a man's chest It's the 21st century Women don't have to depend on men anymore Hillary Clinton will soon be the first woman president I want to move on the corporate ladder To buy BMWs and Direct TV Blue blazer and Khaki Pants Nice Merrel shoes Vacations on Royal Carribean

Hello Do you see me? I come from another planet I run on a higher frequency You can see wings protruding from me I don't walk on the ground I am hovering Separated from you and your world Invisible and silent As unassuming as these white walls The world is so fragile At any point it can fall apart For the weak You can touch me if you'd like You would see that I am real Please smile and say hello I am dying to meet you The monsters have a rope around my throat They snarl in my ear and they won't let go They walk around Chatting and laughing You will eat me if I get too close

When you lose love It's like an attack on your soul The biggest lie We tell ourselves Is that we should have known Humans are polyamorous animals Always looking for the next best mate Competing for sex Thar is why I remember heartbreak most I had a lover once His hands different than my own There is something so sexual and powerful In doing something you are not supposed to do What I did with you Now the universe is a void Left with your remains and I Sick to be apart of it Fled to a different realm like a ghost Yet you can't really ignore What you've escaped I ask myself everyday What am I doing? Who am I kidding? Will any of this ever make sense? While the past rolls on endlessly behind me Feeding each of my past selves to the wolves Comfort dies like quick flame Once I felt your body between the sheets Now you have turned into dust I step under the cold space skies Guided by an inner light Lit from an invisiblw hand From places unknown Th...

Factory line assemblage You are nothing but you can't admit it Cause you are terrified There is too much to loose To much to gain by going to war Fighting to be alive in Wonderland Heat sweating under your armpits Cause you don't belong You're here That means something right?

First day at a new school. I am terrified. I sat on the Marta train with all these grown up adults feeling like I could jump out of my skin. I guess commuting doesn't matter but still I had the back to school jitters feeling "What if these kids don't like me?" It's stupid and pathetic but I have already felt stupid since leaving Georgia Southern. It's funny but Georgia State makes me miss the other school and what I had going there even though I was suffering Depression my last semester there due to Spencer breaking up with me. I had so much going for me. Maybe that's an overstatement but I was going to finish my second semester of Integrated Chinese, join the PR College Association of America and get started on my major classes. I hated everything I had done there. Mostly I hated myself. I didn't like myself you see. I felt like I was turning into a sociopath, that I really was Bipolar and that there was something guys didn't like about me. I hate...