One Day

I guess it is true We are all going to die someday I see it in the trees and in the shadows of this hot and muggy summer As I am out making daisy chains I hear my sister making love in a garden shed  He reached his hand into my panties I gasped in delight Naked in the dirt  His member making me moan Entering my body It feels certain that we each had our time Moments of the unveiling and those moments When we conceal ourselves back into a cocoon As new girls become romanced under the moonlight Men laughing at purity with the thrust of their penises  I keep asking myself why I wasn't good enough For the Lord of the Underworld Your hands pushing me away A face that used to light up at my presence Now can't stand the sight of me I am exhausted  Full of tears The light comes through and then fades away An endless cycle forever repeating itself Until the death of my days 

What an idea in my head What a wonderful thought Being normal With no flaws and no emotions Perfectly unaffected by my environment and thriving in it Without consequences and without thought

It is embarrassing to look at you Realizing I bared so much of myself to you Now we are merely strangers Now I bow my head and smile in spite of myself Realizing that I am stuck in the past with visions of you I am so tired and feeling so hopeless Wouldn't tell you this because I want what's best for you Just wish I felt deserving of love for once  Instead of pricking myself until there is nothing left of me  Until I explode to rebirth again

I know these turn of events will lead to happy moments again I stick around for another With knowledge knowing how pleasing it will be It's just the cycle that frustrates me Those turns from happy moments to our most human ones I can feel it moving Like the Earth moving around the sun, it's direction is ever-changing Our belief in control over our lives is only fleeting We are as much prone to fate as the cockroach stepped on by your shoe Our lives hang in the balance So I no longer entertain myself with fantasy Realizing the sick lies it gives us The Government and Religion are only temporary sources of comfort Rome rose but Rome will also fall

I see myself  Walking down the dark roads Into oblivion Courageously facing every storm and drop of rain Raging against myself May I pitch myself To the black sky? Burst this rage into infinite oblivion For I am untouchable as the moon and equally as lonely I feel myself shattering into a million little pieces Leaving parts of myself everywhere to ve found I couldn't contain myself if I tried The sky is too black The wind is too cold I find myself wavering in this cold night For now, I am still alive

I feel a little more depressed than usual today and embarrassed. I had an episode last night and I feel myself slipping again. This really sucks. I hate trying to pick myself up again after I fall down. I am trying so hard. 

I had gotten on birth control (ethanyl estradiol) back in 2012 during my senior year of high school for severe period cramps that my gynecologist assumed was in result of my anemia. I experienced a heavy depression but was kept by coercion on my birth control for a year. InFall of 2013, I was roomed with a roommate my freshman year of college, whom I will call Pamela. Pamela and I didn't like each other. She banged on my walls and said she was going to kill me. I was experiencing an acute psychosis and began cutting myself. I wanted to be able to change rooms but there was no one to help me. When I went to the counseling office, they diagnosed me with a thought disorder and sent me to a mental hospital for 2 weeks. I came out with the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. They got me off my birth control and treated me for Bipolar Disorder for a whole year. They tried a mixture of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics which included... .Risperdal .Zoloft ,Ambilify .Seroquel .Dep