One Day

I hate writing. Literature almost feels evil. It started when I began reading Marian Keyes and Emily Giffin novels or maybe even before when I picked up Madame Bovary. Everything was so conventional and moralistic. Moreover, the mere convention that there is something to learn from every situation is perhaps the frustrating point here. See to write is to lie. To write is to try to imagine things are different than they really are. To use big language to impress people. To have some lesson learned at the end. I'm sick of it. There is not something to be learned from everything and why should someone have to worry about what others think of them all the time? Keep in mind I still think I want to be an English teacher, it's just that I don't know if I should aspire to be a writer anymore. Life is idealized as working in a progressive way where at Point A or Point B, you're supposed to have learned X, Y and Z. I'm tired of feeling like I don't measure up to expectat

So I still feel like I will never find love. I know I've been blamed as selfish and narcissistic for blaming the entire male gender for my problems but I still feel justified in what I feel. Even though Spencer says he likes me, I know he isn't coming back. He himself said I should not count on a future relationship with him because he doesn't have enough time for that. I sound kind of psychopathic but I know I will be alone forever simply because of the Bipolar diagnosis and subsequent belief that I'm Borderline. It doesn't really matter what I believe because I still hate myself regardless and still blame myself for loneliness as well as men for being too quick to judge. That's why I've decided to be alone. I'm never going to feel for a man like I did for Spencer. I will just hurt other men. I'm better off alone.