One Day

I think about what I am doing with my life a lot and if it really matters. Sometimes I think my ambitions to be a teacher are too out of touch with reality because of the low pay and the toughness of the job. It really isn't the career you want to be in if you want to make money and academia can wear professors out after a while. I also find my career choice isn't helping me grow as a person. Isn't that ironic that I have found that? Perhaps it is because of being diagnosed with Bipolar that I have figured I need to be more than I am. Sometimes reading and writing feels more like a form of escapism for blocking out a world I need to learn to be apart of even though education is ironically said to make people smart. It's like parenting. I don't think it's good to be a parent at my age but who am I to judge those who have the maturity and relationship experience that I don't have? They make peace with their lives, learn practical skills, master relationshi

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I am nothing Empty noise Passive aggressive stare Amid joy and laughter True love and intimacy Friendship and voices I am the brick wall The LED sign I am free

He told me he met someone else. I cried horribly for two days and now I just feel numb. I should die metaphorically speaking. No man really will ever want me. I am just a selfish person. Homes, hobbies and love are just for people that are kind and good people. You know what is amazing? I am not upset. I thought about her mouth on his penis just now and I didn't feel anything. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I have lost my ability to love another person. I might not love him at all.

There is sometimes nothing you can do in the end Exhausted of all options I am tired of keeping up with a world that does so little for me I realize that no one will ever know me should I never do something for them Yet I don't want to help them should they break me I can't take another hit Because all this frustration is finding it's way nowhere The more I try to understand the world The more I understand that it doesn't make sense at all We the human race on a tiny rock in space Floating around in a meaningless existence The insistence is to make something out of this nothingness If you can't, the Depression will catch up with you It has caught up with me There is no more meaning I find it whipped off as soon as I attempt to write it to page I am living a life of nonsense The doctors can't fix me and society finds me disposable I don't blame them I really don't blame others when there are better options out there Yet I can't sto

I don't know what I feel or if it really matters honestly. Sometimes, I am struck by all the things that have happened in my life and I don't feel like I have the strength to remember it all. There is just so much pain inside of me with no where to go and I don't want to force that pain on anyone. Yet the loneliness, it too kills me at night sometimes enough that I start to feel ridiculous for trying anyway and I wish that I would try harder but sometimes I feel like I am just so much a burden that I shouldn't bother anyone at all. I can't run from my past even though I am still trying yet I don't want to let it consume me so I am stuck between the past and the future with a present that I don't want to live. Not really. I can't let them know I have pain because they will destroy my life if they know. I am just back to being invisible again.