One Day

I fucking hate myself. I am fucking annoyed at my feelings and at having feelings. I want to make something out of my sadness. I want to rise above what has happened to me but the truth is I'm terrified and ashamed of everything. So ashamed and so mad that I feel this sad. Spring feels as if it will be upon us. There is a desire growing in me that contradicts every aspect of my waking reality. I know that I should not complain - if I had love for even a short time on this earth, that is better than having no love at all. Yet I also feel envy for the pregnant ladies. I want to create. I want to give way to the madness inside of me. It won't be perfect and it will be very messy yet, I feel like the story inside of me is meant to be birthed out of inspiration, frustration or both. To escape from this reality of confinement into realms more deeper and of understanding. Because the pain is too great. It is still as if he touched me yesterday. I have to escape this hell somehow

It was an eventful summer of 2015. I had completed many books and a crush of mine started to see me. I was happy but I overwhelmed him with my problems. I had too many questions for him, namely on the subject of MBTI. "I tested on the MBTI test again and this time I got INFJ" I said, while we readied to watch Hannibal. "Can you stop talking about that test?" he groaned. "I'm just curious, that's all. I want to know how valid it really is and where it's holes are" I said in a small voice. "It's a test" he replied. "You aren't supposed to think about it." Yet it's all I could think about and after he decided that he was no longer interested in me, I pursued it further in those dark days when I thought I would never love another again. This wasn't the first time I had taken the Myer-Briggs Personality Test. The first time was at a drama summer camp when I was disappointed not to be with my other frie